I'm feeling such a sense of peace and contentment with my life right now. After everything I went through in the past several years, with the chaotic ups and downs of pregnancy and loss always looming over, I finally feel like I'm in a good place again. It's like those losses have finally been put in perspective and weren't all for nothing. I finally am stronger out on the other side. I don't cry at every little thing anymore. Mostly I just feel good about myself again. I trust myself-- trust my body again, trust my decisions and choices again. It feels like I'm where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I've known all my life that I was meant to be a mother and now I'm finally getting to cherish that role. I adore my time with Sweet Pea and feel such a sense of accomplishment when she just smiles that big special smile at me. Whether Sweet Pea stays with us forever or not, I've finally joined the mommy club and I'm happy to be here.
This overwhelming sense of satisfaction has become all the more obvious to me lately as I've seen Shannon struggling lately. I know he loves me and Sweet Pea and is happy to be with us, but I think deep down, he's having a really hard time with himself because he cannot fully provide for our family on his new salary. His new job has many perks, the best of which is that he's home for dinner every night and off on weekends too. But he makes so much less money than he used to. It really doesn't bother me. I'm okay with us cutting back and not spending money like we did before. I'm really a homebody anyway, so I'm fine with not going out to eat or to a bar or anything. But Shannon is much more extroverted and needs that social interaction more than I do. But at the heart of it, I think he's struggling because he can't be the sole provider. We couldn't pay our bills if I didn't keep Cash (my friend's baby) or go out to do contract therapy work. He feels frustrated that I haven't really been seeking out more work, but really I know it's about him.
The role that fills my heart is being a caretaker and now that is happily filled with babies. He feels most proud of being a provider and he's not seeing himself as that lately. He's picking fights and moping around. He's acting extra defensive and getting his feelings hurt at things that never would have bothered him anymore. He says he feels like I tell him he ruins everything, but I don't feel that way at all. I know it's really coming from within him. I know because that's how I felt and reacted the past couple of years. When I was not feeling satisfied with myself, I took it out on him. I felt like I couldn't do anything right and I was letting him down in every way imaginable. It feels good to know I'm not in that place anymore, but pains me to know Shannon is struggling there now. Hopefully we'll be able to talk about it and work through this together. If nothing else, these years of loss and pain have brought our relationship closer and to a new understanding. Hopefully we can put that to work now and he can figure a way out to this sense of peace too.
3 comments:
Jenny - I think that you have been in the mommy club for a long, long time...it’s just that you have had to survive being a mom with empty arms. I am so glad that both your arms and your heart are full now after years of waiting. I’m sorry to hear that things are stressful for your husband. You are understanding to recognize that things may have been kind of the reverse previously. I’m sure the lack of sleep isn’t helping. I know it was an adjustment for us when our son was born and we were always griping at each other about perceived flaws that had never been an issue before. Once we started sleeping a little more regularly, it calmed down to a certain degree, although I think there are disagreements inherent in raising children. Hang in there!
How awesome that you are able to see it, and better yet, know that it's just his place of struggling/feeling inadequate that makes him sometimes say things to you that hurt. What a HUGE realization that most couples miss!
I love where you are in life, and I think the more you encourage him and find fun things to do that DON'T cost money, the more he's going to feel confident in himself.
Also, this is the first time he's had to "share" you. Wonder if that has anything to do with his angst? That was hard for Scott to get used to, though he loved our child as much as I did. It's just different for guys... they are not "number 1" any more...at least in the "who needs the most care" sense.
Post a Comment