Full Spectrum

Today I took Sweet Pea to get her RSV shot.  It is something that was already scheduled with her pulmonologist before we even got her.  When I looked up the directions to the office, wouldn't you know it that it is right down the street from where I used to go to the fertility doctor.  I can hardly believe that was just a year ago that we were starting that rollercoaster ride there.  And that just a year later, we have a sweet little baby here in our home.  It felt strange being over in the part of town today, but good because of the reason I was there.  Talk about coming full circle, huh?

I went to do my contract therapy work last night at the shelter.  Have I mentioned that most of my clients there are pregnant and parenting teen girls?  I absolutely could not have done this work a year ago-- all that pregnancy and baby talk would have nearly destroyed me when I was in the midst of my grief.  But now, it feels okay, even good to work with them.  Last night one of my clients had her very newborn baby in session with us.  She just had the baby a few days ago and there is a good chance that CPS is going to take the baby away from her very soon.  It was heartbreaking to hear her side of the story and eye-opening to say the least to see the other perspective of the situation.  Here we are with a sweet little foster daughter who we adore, but we forget that for her to have gotten to us, a mother had her newborn baby taken away from her.  It's so easy to demonize or blame the mother, but we all have our choices, we all have our story.  Another client was talking about that she had considered choosing adoption for her unborn baby and that is something she is struggling with.  I couldn't help but selfishly think to myself that if people like these girls didn't have these babies, people like me might never get to have the chance to parent.  That sounds awfully self-centered, but it's true.  What makes any one of us better than the other?  We all play a part, we all have a story to tell.

I got an email from our case manager today.  We were selected for a legal risk placement for a child she had submitted us on in December.  It was a two year old little boy with some non-specific but very real medical needs.  Nothing necessarily overwhelming on their own, but coupled with Sweet Pea's needs, we just decided it would be too much for us at this time.  Honestly, I am so grateful that on a daily basis she seems happy and healthy, but just taking her to all these doctor appointments has been exhausting.  I had never imagined that would be part of us getting a baby.  I'm happy to do it for her to make sure we are doing all we can for her, but it is draining.  And the idea of adding a two year old to the mix, not to mention one with more and different medical needs sounds completely overwhelming to me right now.  I am absolutely loving having Sweet Pea here, but I am exhausted at the end of every day (even *if* I'm able to sneak in a quick nap, and that's a big if with Sweet Pea and Cash both here all day.)  I can't imagine juggling a two year old right now too.  So we made the decision to say no to that placement and that feels like the right decision for our family.

Also, when we were at the doctor's office today, I just happen to meet Ruth, the woman who runs the group foster home where Sweet Pea had been living for the past several months.  She was there with another baby, recognized Sweet Pea and came over to introduce herself.  Sweet Pea was looking at me and just smiling away.  Ruth commented how good that was to see.  She said Sweet Pea was so serious for such a long time when they first got her and that it took her a long time to smile.  I told her about her first laugh and she said she was so glad we were fostering to adopt her.  It was so nice to meet her and reassure us that we are making a difference in this sweet little life.