Anticipation

I have my first ultrasound for this pregnancy scheduled for tomorrow afternoon. I'm still not sure how I feel about all this. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel. Not sure I can allow myself to feel yet. I am really looking forward to the appointment though. I think I'll feel better once I know what we're dealing with. I should be 6 weeks tomorrow, so there should be a heartbeat. If there's no heartbeat or it's not a strong one, I'll be prepared for the inevitable. I know what to expect there. If there is a good, strong heartbeat, maybe I'll be able to let my guard down and enjoy this a bit more.

This pregnancy certainly seems to feel differently than my others. I had symptoms with the others, but sometimes they seem stronger this time around. I definitely feel nauseous, achy, tired, out of breath easily. I have some cramping every day, but that seems to be lessening a little. I've had no spotting since the day before my missed period, so that's reassuring. But who am I kidding? I can't trust my symptoms. They've definitely misled me before.

I know it sounds crazy for only 6 weeks, but my belly seems significantly bigger to me. I'm not skinny normally, but this is definitely more. Even my "fat pants" are getting tight. My mom even commented on it today and she's usually a good judge of me.

The medications are going well so far. The Lovenox injections are leaving less bruises than the Heparin did in my last pregnancy. The Progesterone suppositories are not fun, but do make me feel like I'm doing something to help. I keep reminding myself how the pharmacist said these are good to help "stabilize the pregnancy" and that feels reassuring. I've been on a good routine of waking up super early to do all these meds before Payton even wakes up. So, thankfully, she has no idea what's going on for now. I've been trying to pick her up less and not do every little thing for her. Which is a good thing, whether I'm pregnant or not. She is 3 &1/2 and I definitely tend to foster too much dependence on me.

I've already told myself I think I'll want to try again later this year if this one doesn't work out. I think I could handle one more before officially throwing in the towel. It feels like we've already gone back down the rabbit hole as it is, so we might as well give it our best shot.

I'm going in with a list of questions and requests at my appointment tomorrow. I definitely feel more educated and like I've learned to advocate for myself much better this time around. And luckily, my doctor has been both proactive and open to my suggestions so far.

Shannon tells me I should be more positive this time around. But I still feel like I need to guard my heart. I do so much want things to be different this time and can start to picture it at times, but I'm not ready to fully embrace it yet. Maybe tomorrow...