Today has been a rollercoaster of emotions. I woke up at 4am, already anticipating my appointment this afternoon. I got up and did my Lovenox and Progesterone (which feels strange to just be quitting now.) We had some freezing rain today that threatened to close down the town again for the second time in a week, which is unheard of here. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to go to work and would sit at home worrying all day. But thankfully, I did go to work and was able to take my mind off everything for a bit. My last client of the day decided to color a mandala in session, which meant I got to color too. I was feeling relaxed and focused, ready to face the rest of the day.
While I was working, I happened to write the date and it dawned on me. Today was the day of my ectopic surgery six years ago. Six years ago. It felt like coming full circle to be back at the same doctor again today.
In a lot of ways it feels like we haven't come very far in these past six years. We aren't any closer in any practical way to having a biological child. I've certainly learned a lot about myself and experienced so many ups and downs, but still there are no guarantees.
Then again, I am so different now. What makes me the most different? Today, after a quiet afternoon at home with Shannon where I cried and we talked about where we go from here (not all that different from other losses), my amazing daughter came home. My sweet girl came up to me, gave me a big hug and said "I'm sorry you're not feeling well Mommy." She was both a great distraction and a great reminder that life goes on. That I do have much to be thankful for.
I sent texts out to my few friends and family that I had told about the pregnancy. I just wasn't ready to say the news out loud yet. But eventually I heard from everyone and it was very touching to know they care. One of my best friends who has been there with me through all of this even stopped by with a plant and a card, saying it was in memory of our special baby lost too soon. Her friendship and that gesture means more to me than she'll ever know.
Even with the sadness, I am thankful. I'm glad we found this out today rather than weeks down the road. I never felt especially attached to this pregnancy. Of course, I had started to imagine what could be, but I've really learned to guard myself over the years. Sad, but necessary. In the big picture, this was just a quick two week event in my life and doesn't have to define my entire being. I don't have to go back to that dark place of losses past.
First thing when we got home, Shannon poured me a big glass of wine. I had a big hamburger and Coke and a milkshake for dinner (my ultimate comfort food.) I sat on the couch and let Shannon do most of the hands-on child care tonight. I took an entirely too hot bath. And I'm feeling a little sense of peace with the situation for now.
1 comment:
I have been following you for awhile, one of those people who feels like I know you, even though I don't. I had a few miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy. When I had the ectopic, my tube ruptured, I thought I had the flu and my doctor was shocked because she said no one has a tube rupture without knowing it. I obviously have a ridiculously high pain tolerance and do not know my body at all. When the doctor took me in for emergency surgery (after I had been teaching at school the past 2 days), he said they would try to save the tube, I told him no. I just knew, deep in my soul, that if they did, I would have another and another. Turns out I was ruptured completely, which meant they could not save it. I was so grateful. After I cried and cried. My dad had died nearly a year before, my oldest was 8 and I just desperately wanted another. I then berated myself for feeling sorry for myself, which I now know was ridiculous. The good news is, at 38, I became pregnant with baby 2, with only one tube...a miracle for sure and I didn't have to worry about the bad tube doing anything bad again. Which was a relief...good luck to you, I do keep track of you, though I never leave messages. But, I felt the need to spill to you today. I hope that you are feeling better, between the hormone fluxuations, the weirdness, the sadness, and taking care of your other family members, it is exhausting. Take care.
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