I've been thinking about my losses a bit more lately. I don't think about them as much as I used to, but they've crept in there a little more the past few days. One year ago, I was pregnant with the last one and hoping to hold on to it. As much as I'm glad to not be in the middle of all that anymore, I do miss the idea of actually being able to be pregnant and give birth. Still not sure if I'll ever go back to trying again, but it's yet another loss I carry with me.
A friend of mine had her baby a couple of days ago. The one who got pregnant on her honeymoon, first try. Of course, there were no complications and now she has a happy, healthy, beautiful baby girl. I'm sure I'm oversimplifiying it and maybe there were some worries and stresses during the pregnancy and delivery, but it just seemed so easy for her. And I'm so jealous of that I could scream.
Most of my counseling work these days is with pregnant and parenting teen girls. I'm proud that I am able to do this work now without letting my negative experiences affect our sessions, but yesterday was a little tougher. One of my clients just had her big OB appointment where they do the whole anatomy scan and find out the sex. Most of our session yesterday was spent watching the video of her ultrasound. I tried to stay in the moment and focus on her issues, but it was hard. I kept thinking back to my fateful ultrasounds and how different they were than the one up there on that screen. Her baby was wiggling all around, heartbeat as strong as ever. Mine never could do that. It was such a glaring contrast. I got tears in my eyes for just a moment before pulling myself back to my professional self. But when I step away, I am so jealous of her experience as well. She's only 17, already has one child, pregnant with the second. Says she never worries about whether the babies will be healthy because she's so young. Her grandmother had six healthy babies, her mom had five, why should she be any different?
Ugh. Why am I different? Why can't I have those happy, healthy babies? Why can't I have those easy, stressfree pregnancies? Why can't I know that simple, innocent joy of carrying a sweet little one inside of me?
I know there are positives that came from all this struggle and pain, but jeez... Sometimes I just want to scream.
2 comments:
"And I'm so jealous of that I could scream."
I feel completely emotionally detached from this pregnancy most days. I swear it is PTSD. I don't know what "normal pregnant women" act like, or do. I realize I am putting that expectation on myself, when all I have to do is breathe and enjoy each day.
I think I need another Facebook break because when I see all the easy, carefree pregnancies I, too, want to scream.
It's complicated, isn't it?
So complicated.
It just hit me the other day that this baby won't be the babies I lost. It is so weird to actually say that out loud, but I cried the whole day.
I hear you.
Pregnancy loss is not only the loss of your baby but also of your innocence. It sucks.
With both of my 'successful' ones I have alternated between crazy worry and not believing that an actual living baby would be the end result. Even at the very end I had dreams of stillbirths and that she would be born without a chin.
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