HSG

Just got back from my HSG test. It was much less painful than I remember it being years ago when I had it done before. It probably helped that I took two Aleve before I got there... The xray tech woman was very kind and walked me through every step of the procedure, both before and during the test. She even turned the screen so I could see what was happening as it was happening and explained it all to me (which I know she's not really supposed to do, but I so appreciated.) My uterus looked "beautiful", my right tube filled and spilled just like it was supposed to, and the left tube filled a little then nothing. No spilling, even when she had me move in different positions and she put more contrast dye in. So it's still blocked. No surprise.

I wish I could go back to six years ago when I had the first ectopic and had surgery to remove it. I would insist that my doctor take that whole stupid tube out too. I know he was trying to do me a favor, but it's just been nothing but trouble.

The woman that did my HSG today was trying to be helpful and tell me all about how this test can sometimes help you get and stay pregnant for 2-4 months after the test. Then she was explaining to me how your body ovulates from alternating ovaries each month and how she never knew that when she was trying to get pregnant. I had to just stop her there and explain how I already know entirely too much about ovulation and pregnancies, but I appreciated her effort.

Since we're so early in this process now again, I'm not sure how to feel about it all this time around. I want to be excited and hopeful, but honestly I'm just feeling bitter right now. I'm pissed that I even have to go through all this. I'm still mad when I see other women announcing their easy pregnancies on Facebook. I'm angry that I have to go to these crazy lengths just to have the tiniest of hope that I might be able to one day give birth to a baby. I want to get passed all these negative feelings, but for now it just feels like I've opened a big can of bitterness.