Doctor, revisited

Just got back from the fertility doctor. I still have mixed feelings about it all, but it went fine. I spent most of the time actually meeting with the doctor, going over my history and what we plan to do from here. I told her from the beginning that I really don't want to do IVF and she said we would table that discussion for now, but it may in fact be my best shot. I'm going to have another HSG done tomorrow to check my tubes. I remember having this done years ago and it was very painful, especially where the ectopic was. Heck, even the ultrasound she did today hurt when she pushed on that area. So not looking forward to the pain, but I expected this and do want to have the test done again.

Then we'll do more bloodwork next month. The biggest, newest thing we're going to do is she is going to try to go back to the records from the hospital when I had my ectopic pregnancy removed and when I had my D&C to try to test the chromosomes of those two babies. She said this is very new technology to be able to go back to these slides and get this sort of information. It can be difficult to do and may take awhile for them to even track down what they need, but that's the plan. That both excites and terrifies me. I've always had details I imagined about each of the babies, but I've never known anything at all for sure. If we find chromosomal abnormalities in these babies, that indicates a very different plan that almost certainly includes IVF.

It almost felt like an out-of-body experience being there. I've so blocked out so many things from those pregnancies and losses, it was weird to talk about them again. Even when I was filling out the new patient paperwork last week, I felt almost annoyed to have to list the details of each pregnancy again. I wouldn't say I necessarily feel hopeful at this point, but it felt like a positive experience overall. At least not a negative one. I felt like I was heard and respected and I didn't always feel like that by the end of my last fertility experience, to say the least.

I feel like I need to talk about all this to process it. But I'm not sure where to turn at this point. So I'm thankful I still have this blog to help me wrap my brain around it all. Here we go again...