Emotions

Lots of emotions lately. Yesterday marked the five year anniversary of what would have been my due date of #1, my ectopic pregnancy. The strongest one, the one who seemed to have the best chance of making it if only she (we never knew for sure, but I always imagined this one as a girl) hadn't been implanted incorrectly. The fighter who made it through two rounds of a medication designed to destroy her only to just keep growing. I remember seeing her strong little heartbeat on the screen several times and feeling the unfairness of it all. It's funny, I really don't remember the other due dates, loss dates, etc, but I always remember this one. The first. The shocked that completely rocked my world and changed me forever. Also, the other day I re-found Payton's biological mother on Facebook. I had found her a long time ago and she never posted anything, so I'd stopped checking it and just wondered what had happened. Out of nowhere, I decided to check again and she had a new account this time. I wasn't even sure if it was her, but after enough snooping, I decided it must be. And here's the shocker: she has a baby girl. Looks to be around 9 months old. And it also looked like she now has custody of one of the older siblings too. The one that wasn't adopted like the rest, he just had been living with another family member by mom's choice. The baby girl's name is Payge. P-A-Y just like the beginning of Payton's name. That made me both happy and sad to think of. Happy that she must think of Payton fondly, but sad to imagine how much she misses her. I'm glad to see that she's clearly doing well, well enough to actually have two of her own children living with her. It was hard to keep out of my mind that day that I am raising someone else's biological child. Honestly, most of the time, Payton just feels like mine and such a huge part of us. She acts so much like me and only knows me as her Mommy. But that day and for flashes after, I keep seeing in her parts of those pictures of her bio mom and siblings. And this makes me feel torn. It's hard to describe the feeling. I love Payton just the same. I just feel a little guilty. I know I didn't cause the loss her mother is experiencing, but still... And I'd be lying if I didn't just say it. Part of me is disappointed. My ideal had always been that we might get a biological sibling for Payton one day. Really, I'd been surprised it hadn't happened by now. And this is why. Bio mom finally got her act together. And that is a good thing. Sad she couldn't before now, sad she'll never know this amazing little girl that is Payton. I feel awful even thinking it, but I am sad we won't be getting another child from her. I fully understand the awfulness of this statement, but it's the reality. Now we just know we'll be starting over fresh once we decide to go down the foster/adopt road again.