Acceptance

I went to my annual exam at my OB-GYN this morning.  It was (thankfully) a rather uneventful appointment.  Got my birth control shot.  Had the exam.  Talked with doctor about Sweet Pea and birth control options for the future.  But still, it's always a little stressful just being there.  Just remembering that I was there for at least one visit of each of my pregnancies and recalling all the good and bad things that have happened there in that office.  It's enough to raise anyone's blood pressure just walking back into that place.  I do like and trust my doctor a lot, so it's not worth finding another one, but it's always just a little traumatic being there.  Traumatic sounds like too dramatic a word for it, but I think it still fits.

While I was in the exam room, sitting there in that scratchy paper gown waiting for my turn, I heard the doctor in the next room examining an obviously pregnant patient.  They listened to the heartbeat of the baby and I immediately flashed back to the last time we were there.  When I was in the middle of my last miscarriage and we had the same experience of hearing another baby's heartbeat next door while I was waiting to hear more about my dead baby.  But this time thankfully there were yard men working outside, so it was mostly drowned out by the sound of a weed-eater.  And most of all, I'm not in that awful place anymore.  I can actually be happy for my friends who are pregnant and able to have biological babies of their own.  I have to admit that I am sometimes still resentful of the ones who have it so easy though.  It's much easier to feel happy for friends who have struggled to get and/or stay pregnant and rejoice with them when it finally sticks.  But those ones who never even had to try...  That's a little harder for me.  Like my friend who got pregnant on her honeymoon, first time they even tried.  Or my friend who didn't even know she was pregnant until she was in her second trimester.  I'm not so much jealous of them, but of their experience-- that they got to have that sweet, innocent joy.  That it didn't have to be mixed with bitterness and grief.

But truly, I am content with my life now.  Happy with the way things have turned out.  Thrilled to have Sweet Pea here with us now.  Glad that this birth control shot allows me to not worry about the what-ifs of another possible pregnancy.  Pleased that I haven't had to have a period since I started getting the shot last summer.  I think that's truly one of the things that has helped me heal the most, both physically and emotionally.  Before, I was having pain where my ectopic was almost daily and sometimes it was downright unbearable.  Now I barely ever even have a twinge.  It's given my body a much-needed break.  And as relatively easy as fostering to adopt has been so far, I don't know that I'll ever want to go back to trying to conceive.  I'm still pretty young, so I won't do anything drastic to where we can't one day, but I honestly cannot imagine wanting to get back on that rollercoaster again.  It just doesn't seem worth it anymore.  And the fact that I can say that feels like a good thing, like growth and acceptance and satisfaction with my life.