I can hardly believe it's already been two whole years since our little Sweet Pea came into our home and changed our lives forever. She has grown and changed so much, I hardly recognize her as the same tiny baby they brought to us. She was so little, so fragile, so serious and tense all the time. And now, although she's still small for her age, she has blossomed into this amazingly tough, energetic, funny little girl.
She just started sleeping in a big girl bed this week after an adventure involving climbing out of her crib instead of napping one day. We're working on potty training, although it's much more talk than action for now. She loves to "read" and will sit with books for such a long time. She knows her colors, shapes and ABC's. She's still very attached to me, but absolutely loves her Daddy and Nana too. She loves taking care of her baby dolls and stuffed animals. She loves to dance and sing and jump around our living room. She loves to play outside and has started being much braver on the big playscapes at the park. She loved Christmas just as much as I do and that was so much fun this year to share.
She wants to be a big girl so badly and tries so hard, but she is definitely still very strong-willed and has a loud opinion of her own. She hates to be hurried in the mornings and has learned how to stall at bedtimes.
Her absolute favorite book this week has been "Are You My Mother?", which I so love. It seems to play in so nicely to our adoption story and how we found each other. After everything we went through separately, we were finally brought together to make a family.
Even on the difficult days (which there surely are with a 2 1/2 year old), I am so proud to be her mother. I feel so blessed that she came into our lives and made me a mommy. Happy Gotcha Day to my favorite little girl in the whole wide world!!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Tough
Tough Mommy day today. We went to the park for a playdate with my mommy's group. We did a Christmas craft and she was so calm and quiet and well-behaved. We went to play on the playground and she was fine. Until she wasn't. Not sure what set her off, but she was screaming (not just crying a little, literally screaming at the top of her lungs) up on the playscape and wouldn't calm down. I tried going up there. Didn't help. Finally had to carry her off to the car still screaming, now kicking and hitting and biting too. Just a little embarrassing in front of all the other moms...
She screamed the entire way home. She screamed for me to turn the music off. I did. She kept screaming. So I turned the music way up. Still screaming.
I vowed I would stay calm in the situation. Reluctantly, I didn't. She kept screaming and kicking and hitting and spitting all the way inside. I got everything ready for naptime and she kept screaming. Needless to say, it didn't end well. I ended up in tears too and with a fat, bloody lip.
But now she's sleeping. Fell right to sleep. I don't know how she could have been so tired when we slept in this morning. She's definitely sleeping and eating more this past week, so we keep saying she must be growing.
We have so many pleasant moments. When she decides to be in a good mood, she is so much fun and we have the best time together.
This past hour was not our best moment. We had another bad morning last week when I had planned to put up and decorate the Christmas tree. I was in tears by the time by mom came over to help us.
I hate feeling like a bad mom. Like I'm failing my daughter.
I hope this afternoon goes more smoothly...
She screamed the entire way home. She screamed for me to turn the music off. I did. She kept screaming. So I turned the music way up. Still screaming.
I vowed I would stay calm in the situation. Reluctantly, I didn't. She kept screaming and kicking and hitting and spitting all the way inside. I got everything ready for naptime and she kept screaming. Needless to say, it didn't end well. I ended up in tears too and with a fat, bloody lip.
But now she's sleeping. Fell right to sleep. I don't know how she could have been so tired when we slept in this morning. She's definitely sleeping and eating more this past week, so we keep saying she must be growing.
We have so many pleasant moments. When she decides to be in a good mood, she is so much fun and we have the best time together.
This past hour was not our best moment. We had another bad morning last week when I had planned to put up and decorate the Christmas tree. I was in tears by the time by mom came over to help us.
I hate feeling like a bad mom. Like I'm failing my daughter.
I hope this afternoon goes more smoothly...
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Happy Adoption Day!
I can't believe it's already been a whole year since we officially adopted Payton. It feels like this year has flown by and she has grown so much. Then again, it feels like she's always been a part of us. We had a low-key family celebration today to commemorate our special day. We talked a lot about special memories from a year ago and looked at pictures from the day. By the end of the night, even Payton was singing "Oh, happy adoption day!"
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| Reading the special book Mommy & Daddy recorded |
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| Measuring how much she's grown |
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| This is the blanket she was given at her adoption ceremony last year |
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| My mom made this one special for her |
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| Favorite meal of meatloaf and cheesy potatoes |
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| And of course Oreo cake for dessert! |
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Heartbeats
How to make yourself feel young: Spend some time sitting in a cardiologist's waiting room. Then go stand in line to vote. This was my Tuesday morning and I was feeling like a very youthful 33-year-old. Then I ruined it all by spending the afternoon/evening with all teenage clients, who make me feel ancient at time. I don't know much of the music they listen to, I don't have a smartphone... I guess I ended up balanced out, but it was a long, strange day.
I decided to break down and go to the cardiologist recently because I sometimes feel my heart skip a beat. Truth be told, I've felt this off and on for at least the past ten years (possibly longer), but have denied it and never mentioned it to anyone until about a month ago. After a day that I noticed it happening several times, I asked my loving husband if he ever feels this sensation. He looked at me like I was crazy, replied no and that's not normal. Then I talked with other friends and family about it, all of whom convinced me that I need to get it checked out.
I felt silly at my first appointment, having to say this is something I've had for many years but never ever mentioned to any medical professional before. It's like I had to admit that now I finally feel like an adult and like I'm not invicible and I need to take care of myself so that I can be here for years to come. I honestly feel like the shift came when I became a mother. Once that feeling sets in, it changes you forever. I know it's cliched, but it is so true. The idea of me falling over dead one day because I never got this little heart thing checked out and leaving my child behind motherless is the main reason I finally got around to calling a cardiologist.
Chances are, it's nothing big. He couldn't diasnose me on the spot, but said it's probably PVC's and it can be quite common. He said I probably even have them more often than I notice and it can be harmless. The cardiologist even said he has this. But just to be sure, he ordered some tests. I had to wear a holter moniter for 24 hours this week (basically a device that's attached to your chest and records your heart actions the entire time.) This was uncomfortable and awkward, but not quite as bad as I had imagined.
I also had an echocardiogram (sonogram of my heart) yesterday. This was interesting. Cool to see my heart beating up there on the screen and have the tech point out all the different parts. I've seen Payton have several of these and I knew it would be no big deal. But then again, there's always that pregnancy loss side of me looming in the background. Every once in awhile during the test, she would turn on the volume and there would be the sound of my heart beating filling the room. And I couldn't help but flashback to those times when I lay on other exam tables and had very different ultrasound experiences. The times I saw my tiny babies, the times there were little hearts beating inside of me, the times we saw that those hearts had stopped beating, those times when there was nothing to see because the baby was lost. That heartbeat sound always bothers me for those reasons. We have a lullaby CD that I like a lot and used to play for Payton while she was napping when she was a little baby. The last track on that CD is just a heartbeat, like a baby would here in its mother's womb. This track always disturbed me and I actually had to re-record the CD, but without that track on it.
I'll go back to the cardiologist next week to meet with the doctor and hear the results of my tests and where we go from there. Hopefully it's nothing big. Hopefully I have a long and healthy life ahead. But either way, I'm glad I went. Glad I went to get this checked out. How grown-up of me...
I decided to break down and go to the cardiologist recently because I sometimes feel my heart skip a beat. Truth be told, I've felt this off and on for at least the past ten years (possibly longer), but have denied it and never mentioned it to anyone until about a month ago. After a day that I noticed it happening several times, I asked my loving husband if he ever feels this sensation. He looked at me like I was crazy, replied no and that's not normal. Then I talked with other friends and family about it, all of whom convinced me that I need to get it checked out.
I felt silly at my first appointment, having to say this is something I've had for many years but never ever mentioned to any medical professional before. It's like I had to admit that now I finally feel like an adult and like I'm not invicible and I need to take care of myself so that I can be here for years to come. I honestly feel like the shift came when I became a mother. Once that feeling sets in, it changes you forever. I know it's cliched, but it is so true. The idea of me falling over dead one day because I never got this little heart thing checked out and leaving my child behind motherless is the main reason I finally got around to calling a cardiologist.
Chances are, it's nothing big. He couldn't diasnose me on the spot, but said it's probably PVC's and it can be quite common. He said I probably even have them more often than I notice and it can be harmless. The cardiologist even said he has this. But just to be sure, he ordered some tests. I had to wear a holter moniter for 24 hours this week (basically a device that's attached to your chest and records your heart actions the entire time.) This was uncomfortable and awkward, but not quite as bad as I had imagined.
I also had an echocardiogram (sonogram of my heart) yesterday. This was interesting. Cool to see my heart beating up there on the screen and have the tech point out all the different parts. I've seen Payton have several of these and I knew it would be no big deal. But then again, there's always that pregnancy loss side of me looming in the background. Every once in awhile during the test, she would turn on the volume and there would be the sound of my heart beating filling the room. And I couldn't help but flashback to those times when I lay on other exam tables and had very different ultrasound experiences. The times I saw my tiny babies, the times there were little hearts beating inside of me, the times we saw that those hearts had stopped beating, those times when there was nothing to see because the baby was lost. That heartbeat sound always bothers me for those reasons. We have a lullaby CD that I like a lot and used to play for Payton while she was napping when she was a little baby. The last track on that CD is just a heartbeat, like a baby would here in its mother's womb. This track always disturbed me and I actually had to re-record the CD, but without that track on it.
I'll go back to the cardiologist next week to meet with the doctor and hear the results of my tests and where we go from there. Hopefully it's nothing big. Hopefully I have a long and healthy life ahead. But either way, I'm glad I went. Glad I went to get this checked out. How grown-up of me...
Friday, November 2, 2012
Adoption conference
I went to an adoption conference today. I was there with many hats on-- as a therapist who works with foster children, as a member of our local child welfare board (who I'm so thankful to since they paid for me to attend this), but most of all, I chose to go as an adoptive mom. It's the first time I've been to an adoption conference and the most excited I've been about a training in awhile. The presentations today were good and definitely got me thinking. I'm looking forward to going back tomorrow, just wish I didn't have to drive quite so far to get back there again. (I was stuck in awful traffic on the way home and nearly ran out of gas, which is sooo not like me...)
The final presenter today was the director of the agency we used when we fostered and adopted Payton. I had never actually met her before, but had heard good things about her and enjoyed her presentation. After it was over, I took the time to go introduce myself and say thank you for her part in making us a forever family. She took one look at my nametag and knew exactly who I was and could even identify what neighborhood I live in even though it's nowhere near where we were or where she lives. That's just one reason why we loved our agency. It's been almost a year since we've had any official contact with them, but I was still treated like family by this woman I'd never even met. I'm always telling people what a great experience we had with them and we will definitely use them again when we're ready to grow our family.
The final presenter today was the director of the agency we used when we fostered and adopted Payton. I had never actually met her before, but had heard good things about her and enjoyed her presentation. After it was over, I took the time to go introduce myself and say thank you for her part in making us a forever family. She took one look at my nametag and knew exactly who I was and could even identify what neighborhood I live in even though it's nowhere near where we were or where she lives. That's just one reason why we loved our agency. It's been almost a year since we've had any official contact with them, but I was still treated like family by this woman I'd never even met. I'm always telling people what a great experience we had with them and we will definitely use them again when we're ready to grow our family.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Big girl
Sleep has been an issue in our house for quite a while. I remember when I spoke on the phone with the woman who ran the group foster home where Payton was placed before coming to us and she told me what a great baby she was and how she sleeps through the night. She didn't always sleep through the night with us, but she was able to put herself to sleep when she was a little baby. I can only imagine that was from being more alone in the NICU or the group foster home. But then she was our little baby and we wanted to nurture her and help her attach to us. And boy, did she attach. She got to the point where she couldn't even begin to get to sleep if we weren't right there- feeding her, rocking her, bouncing her, whatever worked. Once she started crawling and pulling up to stand, she stopped being able to put herself to sleep anymore. All she wanted to do once you put her in her crib was to practice her new skills. I remember her standing there, gripping on to her crib, not knowing how to let go and lay herself back down. So I'd pick her up and rock her to sleep.
I know we taught her these bad habits. Even after working with so many little ones through the years, we did all these things I swore I would never do with my own child. We always let her fall asleep in our arms on the couch, then moved her to bed once she was really asleep. When she cried in the middle of the night, I always got up with her and gave her a bottle (or sippy cup of her yummy, full of calories Pediasure) to help her fall back asleep. In our defense on that one, at some points our pediatrician was so worried about her low weight that she thought of having us wake her up just to feed her in the middle of the night, so it seemed like we had to get up with her every time she cried. We rocked her and bounced her and let her fall asleep in her jump-a-roo instead of her soothing herself to sleep.
And it was getting bad. She was taking forever to fall asleep on the couch in our arms lately and you just knew she was exhausted but manipulating you however she could to stay up. She was getting up multiple times in the night and just when you thought she was asleep and carrying her back to her bed, she was groggily lift her head and say "Living room. Back to couch." And you'd have to do it all over again and again until she finally stayed asleep once she lay her in bed. And you breathed a sigh of relief, but by that point you were wide awake and so frustrated with the situation.
We've talked for months about making big changes to Payton's bedtime routine and always backed down when the time came. But finally this week, we decided she was ready. Or maybe I should say we were ready. Whatever the case, we finally did it. We stopped holding her to fall asleep. We're still reading books together and drinking her cup on the couch, but then she goes to her bed by herself. We have her put her cup and books away herself and walk to her room to help give her a sense of control (this is big for our strong-willed little one). We say goodnight to everything in her room, put her in her crib, tuck her in and leave the room, closing the door behind us. And she cries. But it's working. Now, at 2+ years old, "crying it out" is finally working for us. When we used to try cry it out, she would make herself cough until she threw up in her bed. But we've done it for 3 bedtimes and 2 naptimes now and it's working like a charm. Today at naptime, she did cry/play/sing at the top of her lungs in her bed for about 45 minutes before falling asleep, but she did finally fall asleep on her own. And at bedtime tonight, she cried for less than five minutes before falling asleep! And now that we're closing her door, we don't have to hear every little peep she makes in the middle of the night. Her bedroom is right across from ours and I'm a light sleeper, so we've pretty much always heard her when she wakes up. But since we started this change, we've slept through the night too! I'm sure I could still hear her if she really needed us in the middle of the night, but she's plenty big enough to sleep through the night now.
It's gone so smoothly that I've started to ask myself why we never did this earlier. But then I have to stop and realize we weren't ready earlier and if we'd tried this a couple of months ago, it might have had a terrible response and things could have been even worse. She bigger now and able to handle so much more than I always give her credit for. I'm having to step back now and remind myself often that she's not a baby anymore and she can do so much on her own. Like she doesn't remind me. One of her favorite words is "self" as in, "Payton do it self". She doesn't do anything like a baby now. She feeds herself with her own fork/spoon, she put herself to sleep, she's potty training, she uses words to ask for things instead of crying. Yes, all these things are a work in progress and we still have days where none of these work and she cries and melts down over and over. But really, I'm so very proud of my "big girl".
I know we taught her these bad habits. Even after working with so many little ones through the years, we did all these things I swore I would never do with my own child. We always let her fall asleep in our arms on the couch, then moved her to bed once she was really asleep. When she cried in the middle of the night, I always got up with her and gave her a bottle (or sippy cup of her yummy, full of calories Pediasure) to help her fall back asleep. In our defense on that one, at some points our pediatrician was so worried about her low weight that she thought of having us wake her up just to feed her in the middle of the night, so it seemed like we had to get up with her every time she cried. We rocked her and bounced her and let her fall asleep in her jump-a-roo instead of her soothing herself to sleep.
And it was getting bad. She was taking forever to fall asleep on the couch in our arms lately and you just knew she was exhausted but manipulating you however she could to stay up. She was getting up multiple times in the night and just when you thought she was asleep and carrying her back to her bed, she was groggily lift her head and say "Living room. Back to couch." And you'd have to do it all over again and again until she finally stayed asleep once she lay her in bed. And you breathed a sigh of relief, but by that point you were wide awake and so frustrated with the situation.
We've talked for months about making big changes to Payton's bedtime routine and always backed down when the time came. But finally this week, we decided she was ready. Or maybe I should say we were ready. Whatever the case, we finally did it. We stopped holding her to fall asleep. We're still reading books together and drinking her cup on the couch, but then she goes to her bed by herself. We have her put her cup and books away herself and walk to her room to help give her a sense of control (this is big for our strong-willed little one). We say goodnight to everything in her room, put her in her crib, tuck her in and leave the room, closing the door behind us. And she cries. But it's working. Now, at 2+ years old, "crying it out" is finally working for us. When we used to try cry it out, she would make herself cough until she threw up in her bed. But we've done it for 3 bedtimes and 2 naptimes now and it's working like a charm. Today at naptime, she did cry/play/sing at the top of her lungs in her bed for about 45 minutes before falling asleep, but she did finally fall asleep on her own. And at bedtime tonight, she cried for less than five minutes before falling asleep! And now that we're closing her door, we don't have to hear every little peep she makes in the middle of the night. Her bedroom is right across from ours and I'm a light sleeper, so we've pretty much always heard her when she wakes up. But since we started this change, we've slept through the night too! I'm sure I could still hear her if she really needed us in the middle of the night, but she's plenty big enough to sleep through the night now.
It's gone so smoothly that I've started to ask myself why we never did this earlier. But then I have to stop and realize we weren't ready earlier and if we'd tried this a couple of months ago, it might have had a terrible response and things could have been even worse. She bigger now and able to handle so much more than I always give her credit for. I'm having to step back now and remind myself often that she's not a baby anymore and she can do so much on her own. Like she doesn't remind me. One of her favorite words is "self" as in, "Payton do it self". She doesn't do anything like a baby now. She feeds herself with her own fork/spoon, she put herself to sleep, she's potty training, she uses words to ask for things instead of crying. Yes, all these things are a work in progress and we still have days where none of these work and she cries and melts down over and over. But really, I'm so very proud of my "big girl".
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