Adoption world

We went today to try and change Payton's social security number. This is something our foster/adopt agency highly recommended and it was even written into our adoption court order. (The reason being that her biological family could have access this number and try to use it fraudulently.) I had heard mixed things about how successful this might be, so I went in knowing it might be difficult. The man we talked to was very nice and tried to be as helpful as he could be, but they refused to change her number. He asked his supervisor and read through the regulations closely, but it stated that there already has to some abuse or fraud to authorize changing the number. That's great-- we have to wait until Payton is older and she tries to get a job or get credit somewhere to find out that it's already been ruined. Hopefully that's not the case. Hopefully no one in her biological family would ever do that. I try to think the best, but you never know. I just want what's best for my daughter.

About a month ago, I'd been thinking a lot about Payton's biological mother for some reason. She was just on my mind, wondering where she is, how she's doing and hoping she is well. I even stalkingly looked her up on Facebook. She was surprisingly easy to find. She hadn't had anything posted on there in months, but it did have several pictures from the past year, one possibly even of Payton's siblings that live in another state with relatives. Also, under the section where it says "Who inspires you?" she had written "My kids". This struck me as both so sweet and so sad. I'm glad to know she feels this way and would be proud to tell Payton this one day. But at the same time, it's heartbreaking to know she feels this way when she is unable to parent any of them, when none of them live with her, whether by choice or not.

Around this same time, we also finally received our copy of Payton's file from CPS. Most of it was the same as what we had read at the office right before the adoption, but there was a section in the beginning outlining all the contact CPS had with various family members, etc shortly after Payton was born. There was a family member in another state who almost got custody of her, who had a plane ticket in hand to come pick her up from the NICU until they found out a major piece of negative information about that family member at the last minute. We were that close to having someone else take our daughter and we never would have met her... It also said in the file that Payton's biological father visited her at the NICU a few times right after she was born. I had never heard anything like this before. Her mom had said he was there at the birth, but I'd never known he visited her on his own afterward. He quickly fell out of the picture and was nowhere to be found by the time we got involved, but I'm glad I'll be able to tell Payton about him visiting one day.

There are so many little things like this that pop up when you're dealing with adoption. Things that people with biological children never even have to consider. And this makes me sad sometimes. At the time I was thinking so much about her biological mom, there were times I would look at Payton and think, "I'm parenting someone else's child." I remember reading in adoption books that some moms felt like this at first. I didn't at first because I was so careful to remind myself that she was a foster child at that point, not my child. I feel guilty when I think like this. Then I turn around and Payton is doing something just like me and I'm reminded that she is, in fact, my daughter.

Don't I get a gold star?

I feel like I should get some kind of mommy award today. Not only did I care for our strong-willed two-year-old with love and patience (most of the time), but I also did laundry and dishes, mowed the front and back yard, went to the grocery store and worked 5+ hours (earning approximately what my husband makes in a 40-hour work week). When I told Shannon this tonight, he looked at me like I was crazy. Oh, the life of a mom...

Feeling good again

I kept my new nephew for about an hour the other morning while my sister-in-law went to a doctor's appointment. It went well overall, but boy was Payton jealous. She did not like it when I was holding the baby at all. She kept telling me to hold her instead. She's had some extra moody terrible two days this week and that was definitely one of them. She did have some sweet moments with the baby where she helped hold his bottle and give him kisses on the head, but overall she seems completely over why we would make all this fuss over this little thing that just lays there and sleeps all the time.

I really enjoyed spending time with him though. There's just nothing like a sweet, sleeping newborn in your arms. My sister-in-law spent the rest of the afternoon with us and that was good for our relationship too. We don't spend too much time hanging out without the rest of the family, so this was good. I'm hoping now that we're both mothers and have more in common right now that we can be closer.

I'm not feeling that jealousy anymore. It's good that she's not pregnant anymore. She's still very much recovering from having the baby and the c-section and I do not envy any of that. I vaguely remember how much my laparoscopic surgery hurt, so I can only imagine how she feels. And now she's still looking and feeling six months pregnant, leaking from everywhere and not feeling like this is her body at all. I am glad not to be there and can easily say I'm fine with never experiencing that.

It's good to be feeling good again :)

Here are a couple of pictures I loved from this weekend when Payton was being sweet with her new cousin:

New baby

Well, I made it through Shannon's sister finally having her baby. And I have to say, all in all, it was a good experience for me. I worked a long day on Monday while she was being induced and got home just before they got the news she was having a c-section. So we went to the hospital and got to be some of the first people to hold him after he was born. It was just me, Shannon and his brother-in-law in the room with this sweet newborn baby. I'm glad I was there for it. I'm happy I got to hold a baby who was less than an hour old. Shannon was so excited, it was adorable. And I was all wrapped up in the excitement too. I have to say, there's just nothing like getting to hold a brand new baby like that.

Then we had to sit in the waiting room with my in-laws for what seemed like an eternity while his sister was in recovery before we could see her and the baby again. That got really long and uncomfortable. But I survived. Thankfully, the labor and delivery floor was unrecognizable to me.

We took Payton to meet her new cousin the next day. She hated the hospital itself (the smell, everyone in scrubs making her think she's at a doctor's appointment, being enclosed in a small room with too many people, etc) so that was not a pleasant experience. She was sweet with the baby, but mostly cried while we were there, then got kicked out of the room since she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. I'm really looking forward to going to visit the new little family this weekend so Payton can be more comfortable in getting to know the baby.

I thought I'd have more to report about this experience. It was sad at times, but also good for me. I've still felt a little down and irritable more than usual this week, but nothing like before. I'm just glad the pregnancy is over and now we get to enjoy this sweet little baby  :)

Hush little baby

Today we were reading a nursery rhyme book that we recently got. My mom had told me earlier in the week that Payton had nearly started crying when she saw a picture of a mommy rocking a baby to sleep. My mom assumed that Payton was just missing me while I was working and said it was so sweet.

We got to that page this afternoon and it was the lullaby "Hush Little Baby", so I was singing it to Payton. This is not a lullaby I have ever sang to her before. But she had such a reaction to it, like nothing I've ever seen before. She crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my chest, obviously needing comfort. As I continued to sing, she honestly looked like she was about to cry. And it wasn't her usual whiny cry or anything like that. It was a truly sad cry, quiet with big tears. It was an emotion I'm not sure I've ever seen in her like this before.

She had me sing it again and had the same reaction. I showed it to Shannon and he sang it for her. Same reaction. She asked for it again later and I just couldn't bring myself to sing it again.

All I can think is that she's experiencing a memory. Someone must have sung this to her in her past. Maybe it was a nurse at the NICU (although she was pretty young there) or someone at the group foster home who cared for her.

It made me cry too. And I don't cry often these days...

Resentment

My sister-in-law will be having her first baby any day now. And frankly, I can't wait. Can't wait to meet our new nephew, can't wait to see how Payton reacts to her new little cousin, can't wait for her to actually have a cousin nearby that we can see often and they can really grow up together. But most of all, I can't wait for my sister-in-law to not be pregnant anymore. I've had more than enough of hearing her complain about the pregnancy and all its difficulties. I'm not minimizing her pain or anything, but it's like no one even remembers that it might be difficult for me too. She says things like how she can never get comfortable or sleep anymore and everyone is like "Oh I would not want to be in your shoes" and I'm over there thinking "Hello, I would!"

I'm still at a point where I think we will not try for a biological child again, but if I could somehow know that it could be successful and "easy" to get and stay pregnant, I probably would then. I just can't bring myself to try again knowing there's a good chance of only suffering more losses and more pain. Even though I've come to this decision, it doesn't mean it's been an easy one. It doesn't erase the pain of the losses we had. Nothing erases that, not even the joy that Payton brings.

I'm both looking forward to and dreading the actual birth of our new nephew. He will be born in the only hospital here in our little hometown. The hospital where I had my laparoscopic surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, the one where I had my D&C for the missed miscarriage. The D&C was on the actual labor and delivery floor, so I'm worrying about triggering the trauma of that when we visit them at the hospital (although my D&C experience was a good one and the nurses where the nicest there, it was still understandably a tough time). I've heard that they've recently renovated the labor and delivery floor, so I'm hoping that it's unrecongizable to me. We recently found out that she's supposed to be induced Sunday evening if nothing happens before. That means he'll most like be born on either Monday or Tuesday, which I have to admit is a relief because I acutally have to work long hours on both those days. I do want to see them and share in the celebration, but I don't know how much sitting around a labor and delivery room I could do without breaking down eventually.

Most of the time I feel okay. This is not an all-emcompassing sadness like it was before. But there are more moments lately when it just hits me and knocks me off-guard. I've gone to a couple of playdates with my local mom's group recently. Inevitably, someone there is pregnant or they're telling pregnancy/birth stories. And I sit there feeling left out and sad that I have nothing to share.

I had gotten to a point where I was feeling okay about seeing pregnant people, but it's been bothering me again lately. It's not like it was before. Not the searing pain when I saw a woman with a cute little baby bump, but now it's more of a deep ache of resentment. Sadness at the realization that will never be me. Hurt that my body could not ever hold on to our babies. Grief that I'll never get to experience that miracle of life.

It just never goes away completely.

Diversity

I went to a training on diversity today. It was informative and helpful for my work, but nothing really new.

I came home this afternoon and "played people" with Payton. I recently got out a dollhouse and dollhouse people for her and she absolutely loves to take the people out of the box, make them sit down and group them together.

I was watching her play and just loving the way she groups the "families" together with no regard for differing races. I love that the fact black fireman can be the daddy to the white little girl and that she thinks nothing of it. I remember having clients as young as 4 or 5 who already group all the blond people together as an appropriate family and have trouble thinking outside of this box.

I hope Payton can always hold on to this sense of belonging regardless of outside differences. We clearly do not look alike in our family, but I hope she'll always know she belongs with us.

How's that for a diversity lesson?