Life changing decision

Man, I haven't written in forever. I know when I don't write in this long that things have been settled and good. I meant to write for Payton's birthday. I thought about all the amazing things she is and does now that she's turned 3. But not even that got me writing...

Last week, I had a bone density scan. No big deal. Just because I've been on the Depo Provera shot for 3 years and there is some inconclusive evidence that it can affect your bone density. Nothing to worry about, just a precaution. Then I got a phone call from the nurse saying there was some thinning in my bones (or whatever words she used to describe it) and I won't be able to take the Depo Provera anymore. She goes on to say the doctor wrote a note wondering if I wanted to have a tubal instead.

So this throws everything into question again. I have spent these past three years blissfully ignoring my fertility (or lack thereof) and wanted to happily keep it this way. We still have a couple of months to decide since I did get a shot a few weeks ago, but I have to start thinking. And I don't like it. I liked not having to decide. I liked the idea of just putting it off and not having to make any life altering decisions for awhile.

Honestly, I'm still torn on whether I would even like to try to get pregnant again. Part of me thinks, sure, I could handle it. My first instinct was that we could try one more time and if I had yet another loss to give up forever and convince my doctor to just take it all so I don't have to think about it ever again.

But then again, could I handle it? Have I simply forgotten just how difficult it was? Would I be robbing Payton of something? Would she suffer if I had another loss and couldn't be there for her? Would she suffer if we did somehow have a biological child?

Most of these past three years have been great physically where my reproductive system is concerned. After my ectopic, I had almost daily significant pain where the ectopic was that got worse every time I ovulated or got my period. Now that I don't ovulate or get periods since going on the Depo, it's been pretty much pain free. I've had some light pain in the past month and it makes me wonder if I would be crazy to welcome this pain again by trying to get pregnant again.

I brought it up to Shannon and he was no help so far. He just said he doesn't want to get a vasectomy, which I had never considered and didn't think was an issue right now anyway. I'm sure we'll have a bigger conversation about it later, but ultimately it's up to me. And that can be scary. Such a huge decision. So much to weigh. So much to consider. Any advice out there? Anyone actually still following my blog?

Who knew?

Today I went to get fitted and buy bras for the first time in, oh, let's say about 10 years. I knew I was wearing the wrong size. But I had no idea just how very wrong it was. It's well known in my family that I've needed to do this for a long time. Truth be told, I've really just been wearing sports bras (albeit in the incorrect size too) daily for the past several years. My mom had tried to encourage me to go bra shopping several times, giving me the classic mom line, "What if you got in an accident and had to go to the hospital and they saw your bra??" Thankfully, my wonderful husband gave me a gift certificate for Christmas to a local place that we'd heard good things about.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I went. Not only was I wearing the wrong size, I had no idea how it was truly supposed to fit/look. The saleswoman was amazing. I never had to leave the dressing room once. She took off and put on each bra for me, making sure everything was in the right place. Who knew you're supposed to lift and adjust each boob to make it actually fit correctly in the cup?? The first time I put my shirt back on and saw what a huge difference a good-fitting bra made, I was completely floored. My boobs looked perky for the first time in way too many years! It's crazy to think I've been doing such a disservice to myself for most of my adult life. Looking at myself in the correct bra actually seems to take like 10 pounds off my frame too since everything is finally so nicely adjusted :)

I'm so glad I was finally able to do something like this for myself (with some prodding along the way of course.) I feel like that's the theme of my life right now. Doing for myself, taking care of myself. I preach this to clients all the time, but I'm really trying to do this myself now. I've been doing some form of exercise almost every day for the past couple of weeks. And most of that exercising has been at my mom's house on her new exercise bike while someone else is taking care of my child. I honestly think the alone time has been just as beneficial as the exercise. I'm feeling calmer and more patient with Payton these days, something I've struggled with for quite some time. The scale isn't quite budging like I'd like yet, but I do just feel better about myself. And that is a huge accomplishment for this people pleaser who tends to put herself on the back burner.

Healthy

I took Payton to her ENT appointment this afternoon. Just a follow-up since she still has one of her tubes in her ear. She did awesome. It's so amazing to see how far she's come. From the tiny baby who screamed every time we even walked in to a doctor's office to now such a big girl who sits quietly and lets them examine her without any protesting at all. We talk about her doctors often and what she expects when she's there, which I think has helped. But really, she's just grown up so much.

It is completely amazing how healthy she is now. From such a rocky start as a tiny premature baby to now being the healthiest one in our house. She's only even had a fever a couple of times in the two years she's been with us, never been on antibiotics even once since then. She's still on a couple of daily medications prescribed by her pulmonologist, but really these are just precautionary and she's being weaned off them too. We've only had to use her rescue inhaler once about a year ago when she had a bad cough, but it's never been anything like an asthma attack.

I'm sure all this could change when she starts school next fall, but for now I am thankful and in awe of her health. We do go to playdates with other stay-at-home kids who still get sick often and so far she hasn't caught anything there. I really think it's due to how she was so very premature and so very sick as an infant. It made her a fighter. It made her stronger, in so many ways.

So proud of my sweet little fighter!

All ready for our Valentine's party this morning :)

Reconcile

I went to yoga last night for the first time in way too many months. I'm trying to do more things for myself without feeling guilty, which is difficult for me. The yoga class was good, not too strenuous. The teacher is one that I really like- she's gentle and nurturing and encouraging. Even in very large classes, she still makes it a point to touch everyone in the class, helping you stretch just a little further. While stretching me during class, she leaned over and quietly whispered in my ear, "You're not pregnant, are you?" When I shook my head no, she said something like "I remember you were before." This was a weird statement. I don't know that I ever went to a yoga class pregnant and anyway, I've never been any more than 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, so no one ever even knew. I'm sure she's just remembering that I have a young daughter and forgetting that we adopted her.

Nonetheless, the comment hit me. I try to say that I'm feeling better about all my losses, but they're still there. And they're still losses. Nothing will ever replace them. And I don't imagine I will ever be able to completely reconcile that loss, that grief. Little tears sprang to my eyes during the relaxing at the end of class last night, thinking of these little losses...

I don't think anyone else heard the comment, not even one of my best friends who was right next to me. I don't know that I'll ever mention it to anyone in my "real life". No one else gets it.

But it always feels good to share on here.

Happy Gotcha Day!

I can hardly believe it's already been two whole years since our little Sweet Pea came into our home and changed our lives forever. She has grown and changed so much, I hardly recognize her as the same tiny baby they brought to us. She was so little, so fragile, so serious and tense all the time. And now, although she's still small for her age, she has blossomed into this amazingly tough, energetic, funny little girl.

She just started sleeping in a big girl bed this week after an adventure involving climbing out of her crib instead of napping one day. We're working on potty training, although it's much more talk than action for now. She loves to "read" and will sit with books for such a long time. She knows her colors, shapes and ABC's. She's still very attached to me, but absolutely loves her Daddy and Nana too. She loves taking care of her baby dolls and stuffed animals. She loves to dance and sing and jump around our living room. She loves to play outside and has started being much braver on the big playscapes at the park. She loved Christmas just as much as I do and that was so much fun this year to share.

She wants to be a big girl so badly and tries so hard, but she is definitely still very strong-willed and has a loud opinion of her own. She hates to be hurried in the mornings and has learned how to stall at bedtimes.

Her absolute favorite book this week has been "Are You My Mother?", which I so love. It seems to play in so nicely to our adoption story and how we found each other. After everything we went through separately, we were finally brought together to make a family.

Even on the difficult days (which there surely are with a 2 1/2 year old), I am so proud to be her mother. I feel so blessed that she came into our lives and made me a mommy. Happy Gotcha Day to my favorite little girl in the whole wide world!!

Christmas Card

I just created our Christmas card and am loving them this year!!

Photo Card

View the entire collection of cards.

Tough

Tough Mommy day today. We went to the park for a playdate with my mommy's group. We did a Christmas craft and she was so calm and quiet and well-behaved. We went to play on the playground and she was fine. Until she wasn't. Not sure what set her off, but she was screaming (not just crying a little, literally screaming at the top of her lungs) up on the playscape and wouldn't calm down. I tried going up there. Didn't help. Finally had to carry her off to the car still screaming, now kicking and hitting and biting too. Just a little embarrassing in front of all the other moms...

She screamed the entire way home. She screamed for me to turn the music off. I did. She kept screaming. So I turned the music way up. Still screaming.

I vowed I would stay calm in the situation. Reluctantly, I didn't. She kept screaming and kicking and hitting and spitting all the way inside. I got everything ready for naptime and she kept screaming. Needless to say, it didn't end well. I ended up in tears too and with a fat, bloody lip.

But now she's sleeping. Fell right to sleep. I don't know how she could have been so tired when we slept in this morning. She's definitely sleeping and eating more this past week, so we keep saying she must be growing.

We have so many pleasant moments. When she decides to be in a good mood, she is so much fun and we have the best time together.

This past hour was not our best moment. We had another bad morning last week when I had planned to put up and decorate the Christmas tree. I was in tears by the time by mom came over to help us.

I hate feeling like a bad mom. Like I'm failing my daughter.

I hope this afternoon goes more smoothly...