I'm really struggling right now. Both physically and emotionally, I'm a mess today. Prior to my mom's fall, I had made several positive changes in my life. I had completely changed my eating habits, lost a significant amount of weight and was generally feeling better than I had in a long time. I was exercising almost daily, feeling strong and healthy and (dare I say) skinny for the first time in years. That all disappeared once my life was turned upside down and I went straight into crisis mode for the past six weeks. I tried working out a few times and ate a few good meals, but generally I ate fast food more days than not and I was back to drinking Cokes every day again. My sugar addiction came back full force and I fed it ravenously. Even if I had a healthy breakfast, I still often followed it up with a candy bar and Coke. It was not good. As a result, I was feeling worse than ever. It was one thing when I used to eat like this and not know the difference. But after changing my habits and becoming more aware, I really felt the negativity I was feeding my body. I gained a few pounds, not the worst thing in the world. But I was exhausted, not sleeping well and achy all over. I have discovered that sugar/grains equals pain in several specific areas of my body, especially my back, neck and arm. I knew I was hurting myself, but it felt so hard to stop. Absurd.
It is clear in my life that I need to make some positive changes if we're going to survive this crisis. I've been irritable and losing my cool way too quickly again lately. I used to pride myself on being patient and calm in almost any situation, but it's like I've lost these traits completely. What worst, I see this as evident most is in Payton. I love my daughter unconditionally, but she really knows how to push my buttons. And those buttons are easily triggered lately. Last week was her Spring Break, so we had a lot of extra time together, which typically ends badly for us. She gets super clingy with me. I feel a need for more space. She gets even more needy and clingy. And the vicious cycle continues.
We've had some awful moments together lately. Lots of screaming and both losing our cool. She is super smart and can be manipulative as a result, so she knows just how to get to me. I tell myself, "This time, I'll be the parent I know I should be and stay calm no matter what." Sometimes I can. But more often lately, I just can't. And I hate the mommy I become. I feel so super guilty because I wanted to be a mother more than anything and now I am nothing like the mother I imagined myself to be. It's a truly terrible feeling.
We had a bad morning today. I drove her to school with her screaming and crying. I was in tears as I walked out of her classroom. Of course, this would be the day the teacher decides to talk to me about her recent behavior there. She's been getting in trouble, nothing major at this point, but basically pestering her classmates and not listening. Gee, sounds familiar. So now our family crisis is spilling over into her school life. Great... I was bawling as I walked to my car after that.
So I know I need to make changes. I began exercising again yesterday since I know this helps me, even when it is hard. I started eating right again yesterday. The first few days of detoxing from all the sugar, caffeine, etc are always hard. Yesterday was not too bad, but I feel awful today. I slept restlessly, waking often in pain. I have a blinding headache. I feel vaguely nauseous all the time. I know I just have to make it past these rough days and I will start to feel the benefits, but man, I am struggling.
I'm thinking of going to see a therapist. It's ironic that as a counselor myself, I have never been to counseling personally. I really think this could help me. Every friend I talk to, I feel like I dump all my problems on. Shannon is just not the best for me to go to. I always want him to just empathize and hug me, but he tries to problem solve and I usually end up feeling worse. Finding the right therapist for me may be a bit challenging as I know I want someone good, but obviously can't go to someone I already know and I am friends with many local therapists.
On top of everything, I had my endometrial biopsy at the fertility doctor last week. I did my four months of progesterone treatment designed to fix my abnormal lining of my uterus, so it was time to check how things look in there, no matter whether I feel ready to proceed or not. I should find out the results some time this week. I'm not even sure what I hope for. I'm clearly not in a good place in my life to be trying to get pregnant right now. My fertility doctor said if the results were bad she would refer me to someone else to treat the issue further. Not really sure what that would mean. Honestly, my first thought when I heard that was screw it all and let's just get a hysterectomy and be done with it all. I mean, with all the losses I've had and everything stacked against a healthy pregnancy, is it really worth putting us through MORE to just prolong the inevitable? When do we finally give up and accept that this just isn't in the cards for us? I guess we'll just wait and see what the results are...
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