Taking care

I've planned many positive, hopeful blogs in my head over the past few months, but never got any of them written down. Then my life was turned upside down and all those shiny, happy thoughts went out the window.

One month ago, my mom fell at home in the middle of the night and severely broke her ankle and leg. She calmly called me at 3 in the morning and by some miracle I saw (not even heard) my phone ringing and answered it, not realizing the magnitude of the situation. She stayed cool and collected while I, who am usually so good in crisis situations, couldn't seem to think clearly enough. The fracture was so bad that the ER staff all came in to gawk in amazement, but somehow my mom stayed strong through it all. She had surgery later that day and was eventually moved to a rehab facility a couple of days later. It wasn't until later in the week that the reality of the situation really hit me.

It is so scary to see my mom getting older, needing so much help in so many ways now. She cannot put any weight on that leg for at least two months, so it is not safe for her to be left alone for any length of time. She's still in the rehab facility a month later with no idea when she will be ready to leave. They're trying to help her strengthen her arms and other leg, but it's a slow process that feels very overwhelming at times. I just want her to live happily and safely and independently for as long as she can and it's getting harder to imagine how we can do that right now.

Another major reality is that my mom was our primary caregiver for Payton. She picked her up from preschool most days and kept her pretty much anytime I needed her to. She was our date night babysitter, our oh-my-goodness-I-need-a-break-from-parenting savior. She and Payton have such a close bond and I know it's hard for them to be separated so much. I take her to visit Nana as much as I can, but I know it's not the same as their usual one-on-one time.

And the big kicker is that my husband had surgery today too. He's been suffering from severe acid reflux for years and we'd already scheduled this surgery before my mom's accident. I'd always just assumed my mom would be there to help out during this time, but that's clearly not the case. Shannon's surgery went smoothly today, but he's spending the night in the hospital and will be recovering at home for quite a while.

I feel like I've spent the entire last month in a cloud of confusion and sleepiness. My overwhelming emotions these days are guilt and exhaustion. I feel guilty that I'm not visiting my mom more and doing more for her because I know what a difference it makes when I am able to visit and help out more. I feel guilty that Payton has to go to extended care at preschool most days now and that she is not getting the best version of me even when I am with her. I feel even more guilty that I work late many evenings and Shannon is home alone with Payton, who is acting out more and more with all the chaos in our lives lately. I feel guilty that I'm not at all fully invested with my clients when I am at work and feel like I'm only half-present and rarely fully engaged in sessions lately. I feel guilty that I've had to ask friends and family for all kinds of help and favors that I cannot even begin to repay right now. I feel like there is not enough of me to go around. I feel tired. Tired of having to take care of everyone else, but not ever having enough time for me these days. I did not imagine myself in this season of life so soon and the reality of the situation is starting to hit hard.