New plan

This past week was the week of doctors' appointments. I met with my endocrinologist and found out my TSH has dropped back down to 2.7. Not quite as good as it was several months ago, but at least headed back in the right direction. He upped my thyroid dosage and told me to come back in two months. He asked what's happening with trying to get pregnant. I told him I was waiting to find out my TSH level and to talk to my fertility doctor before trying again. He said we didn't need to wait and to go ahead and try now. I do like this doctor, but it's frustrating when they just jump to conclusions without taking the whole big picture into account. It's not "just trying" to me anymore. Five losses later, I need to be more careful about this.

Which takes us to our fertility doctor appointment the next day. Shannon agreed to go. Thank goodness he's willing to be involved even if this is not his first choice. This appointment was to find out the results of all the millions of tests they've done over the past several months and to hear the doctor's plan for going forward. The results were nothing new or shocking to me. I have Factor V Leiden (blood clotting disorder), but now I know that I only have one copy of the gene, making it less likely that this will ever be a problem for me, pregnant or not. They were not able to get any DNA information from the slides from the babies they should have had on file at the hospital, so we weren't able to find out anything about those babies (a disappointment, for sure.) My HSG showed significant blockage in my left tube. She called it a hydrosalpinx. The one piece of new information is how much this hydrosalpinx could be affecting my fertility. Not only does it make it more likely I'll have yet another ectopic pregnancy, it could also negatively affect a properly implanted fetus by leaking toxic fluid into my uterus. Toxic fluid?? She said these can be so serious that almost no doctor would agree to doing IVF if you have a hydrosalpinx because research shows it causes such a high rate of loss. Well, that's news to me. I'm trying not to feel frustrated that we never knew this before. I've had HSG's in the past where we saw the blockage. I've complained of pain in the area for the past six years. But no one was willing to do anything about it until now.

Now she wants to take the tube out. Hallelujah! I've wanted this awful, bad tube out of my body for years. I know my OBGYN was trying to do me a favor by saving it we he did surgery the first time, but I always wished he hadn't. It's caused me nothing but pain and trouble, probably more trouble than I'd even known, it turns out. So now we wait. Wait for me to get my period in a couple of weeks to make sure I'm not pregnant when she does the surgery. I hope I'm not. At one point, I thought this might be a good month to start trying again and we weren't 100% careful, so there's always a chance, but I hope not. I really only think we can handle one more pregnancy, whatever the outcome. And I want to make our last chance our best chance possible.

I know the recovery from surgery won't be pleasant. I remember how painful and difficult it was when I had essentially the same laparoscopic procedure done to remove the ectopic years ago. And I didn't have a four-year-old who wants so much of my attention. Thankfully, my mom just lives down the road and will help a great deal with her. Maybe even my in-laws will help. I'll have to ask for and accept help and that's just the way it will have to be, even when I'd rather be tough and independent and do it the right way myself. Learning when and how to ask for help is a huge skill. I tell this to my clients all the time. Time for me to take my own advice.

The day of our fertility appointment was October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And yes, the irony was not lost on me.