Blah today

Feeling blah today. I went to to a playgroup this morning and just didn't feel connected to anyone. I felt like my quietest, most introverted self. I didn't speak up to join in conversations, just mostly sat and somewhat listened.

I know what bothered me the most was their inevitable topics of conversation: breastfeeding, giving birth and trying to get pregnant again. None of which I have anything to share about. I know it's nothing against me, but I still felt hurt. I know it's really my issue to deal with. And usually, it's not a big deal. But today... Even when a couple of them mentioned miscarriages, I had nothing. I actually almost started crying at one point.

I think it's the option of ttc that is bringing these feelings back up again. Now that I'm off birth control, it's harder. And I'm sure the added hormones I hadn't had to deal with don't help either. I had my first period since stopping the shot recently, so now I guess my body is getting back to normal. Normal. Whatever that means.

I really don't want to be pregnant. But I'm still jealous of those who have it so easy. And even I know it's not really so easy for them, it just feels like it to me. Recently, it has seemed like everyone I see is pregnant. And it hurts all over again. At the grocery store, at preschool, at playgroup. And yes, I know I'm in places where you would expect to see pregnant women. Of course, other families with children Payton's age are adding to their family. I just hadn't had these feelings of jealousy for a while and I'd hoped they were gone for good...

I love Payton and wouldn't change her for the world. Just a blah day so far. Hopefully girls night with a good friend who doesn't have kids is just what I need.