I went to yoga last night for the first time in way too many months. I'm trying to do more things for myself without feeling guilty, which is difficult for me. The yoga class was good, not too strenuous. The teacher is one that I really like- she's gentle and nurturing and encouraging. Even in very large classes, she still makes it a point to touch everyone in the class, helping you stretch just a little further. While stretching me during class, she leaned over and quietly whispered in my ear, "You're not pregnant, are you?" When I shook my head no, she said something like "I remember you were before." This was a weird statement. I don't know that I ever went to a yoga class pregnant and anyway, I've never been any more than 8 or 9 weeks pregnant, so no one ever even knew. I'm sure she's just remembering that I have a young daughter and forgetting that we adopted her.
Nonetheless, the comment hit me. I try to say that I'm feeling better about all my losses, but they're still there. And they're still losses. Nothing will ever replace them. And I don't imagine I will ever be able to completely reconcile that loss, that grief. Little tears sprang to my eyes during the relaxing at the end of class last night, thinking of these little losses...
I don't think anyone else heard the comment, not even one of my best friends who was right next to me. I don't know that I'll ever mention it to anyone in my "real life". No one else gets it.
But it always feels good to share on here.
2 comments:
1. So sorry that you had that moment of being caught off guard. Just when you think things are under control...they're not. I had a moment like that yesterday where I needed to give someone my recent medical history and thought I could be matter of fact about it.
2. How odd that she even asked such a thing. Weird on so many levels.
3. I just reached the due date for the last one about a week ago. In my Sunday school class at church, three women have had babies since the end of December.
4. I thing losses will always go along with us.
Had more to say but I am having trouble with my phone. Thoughts with you, friend!
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