Sleep has been an issue in our house for quite a while. I remember when I spoke on the phone with the woman who ran the group foster home where Payton was placed before coming to us and she told me what a great baby she was and how she sleeps through the night. She didn't always sleep through the night with us, but she was able to put herself to sleep when she was a little baby. I can only imagine that was from being more alone in the NICU or the group foster home. But then she was our little baby and we wanted to nurture her and help her attach to us. And boy, did she attach. She got to the point where she couldn't even begin to get to sleep if we weren't right there- feeding her, rocking her, bouncing her, whatever worked. Once she started crawling and pulling up to stand, she stopped being able to put herself to sleep anymore. All she wanted to do once you put her in her crib was to practice her new skills. I remember her standing there, gripping on to her crib, not knowing how to let go and lay herself back down. So I'd pick her up and rock her to sleep.
I know we taught her these bad habits. Even after working with so many little ones through the years, we did all these things I swore I would never do with my own child. We always let her fall asleep in our arms on the couch, then moved her to bed once she was really asleep. When she cried in the middle of the night, I always got up with her and gave her a bottle (or sippy cup of her yummy, full of calories Pediasure) to help her fall back asleep. In our defense on that one, at some points our pediatrician was so worried about her low weight that she thought of having us wake her up just to feed her in the middle of the night, so it seemed like we had to get up with her every time she cried. We rocked her and bounced her and let her fall asleep in her jump-a-roo instead of her soothing herself to sleep.
And it was getting bad. She was taking forever to fall asleep on the couch in our arms lately and you just knew she was exhausted but manipulating you however she could to stay up. She was getting up multiple times in the night and just when you thought she was asleep and carrying her back to her bed, she was groggily lift her head and say "Living room. Back to couch." And you'd have to do it all over again and again until she finally stayed asleep once she lay her in bed. And you breathed a sigh of relief, but by that point you were wide awake and so frustrated with the situation.
We've talked for months about making big changes to Payton's bedtime routine and always backed down when the time came. But finally this week, we decided she was ready. Or maybe I should say we were ready. Whatever the case, we finally did it. We stopped holding her to fall asleep. We're still reading books together and drinking her cup on the couch, but then she goes to her bed by herself. We have her put her cup and books away herself and walk to her room to help give her a sense of control (this is big for our strong-willed little one). We say goodnight to everything in her room, put her in her crib, tuck her in and leave the room, closing the door behind us. And she cries. But it's working. Now, at 2+ years old, "crying it out" is finally working for us. When we used to try cry it out, she would make herself cough until she threw up in her bed. But we've done it for 3 bedtimes and 2 naptimes now and it's working like a charm. Today at naptime, she did cry/play/sing at the top of her lungs in her bed for about 45 minutes before falling asleep, but she did finally fall asleep on her own. And at bedtime tonight, she cried for less than five minutes before falling asleep! And now that we're closing her door, we don't have to hear every little peep she makes in the middle of the night. Her bedroom is right across from ours and I'm a light sleeper, so we've pretty much always heard her when she wakes up. But since we started this change, we've slept through the night too! I'm sure I could still hear her if she really needed us in the middle of the night, but she's plenty big enough to sleep through the night now.
It's gone so smoothly that I've started to ask myself why we never did this earlier. But then I have to stop and realize we weren't ready earlier and if we'd tried this a couple of months ago, it might have had a terrible response and things could have been even worse. She bigger now and able to handle so much more than I always give her credit for. I'm having to step back now and remind myself often that she's not a baby anymore and she can do so much on her own. Like she doesn't remind me. One of her favorite words is "self" as in, "Payton do it self". She doesn't do anything like a baby now. She feeds herself with her own fork/spoon, she put herself to sleep, she's potty training, she uses words to ask for things instead of crying. Yes, all these things are a work in progress and we still have days where none of these work and she cries and melts down over and over. But really, I'm so very proud of my "big girl".
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Adoption world
We went today to try and change Payton's social security number. This is something our foster/adopt agency highly recommended and it was even written into our adoption court order. (The reason being that her biological family could have access this number and try to use it fraudulently.) I had heard mixed things about how successful this might be, so I went in knowing it might be difficult. The man we talked to was very nice and tried to be as helpful as he could be, but they refused to change her number. He asked his supervisor and read through the regulations closely, but it stated that there already has to some abuse or fraud to authorize changing the number. That's great-- we have to wait until Payton is older and she tries to get a job or get credit somewhere to find out that it's already been ruined. Hopefully that's not the case. Hopefully no one in her biological family would ever do that. I try to think the best, but you never know. I just want what's best for my daughter.
About a month ago, I'd been thinking a lot about Payton's biological mother for some reason. She was just on my mind, wondering where she is, how she's doing and hoping she is well. I even stalkingly looked her up on Facebook. She was surprisingly easy to find. She hadn't had anything posted on there in months, but it did have several pictures from the past year, one possibly even of Payton's siblings that live in another state with relatives. Also, under the section where it says "Who inspires you?" she had written "My kids". This struck me as both so sweet and so sad. I'm glad to know she feels this way and would be proud to tell Payton this one day. But at the same time, it's heartbreaking to know she feels this way when she is unable to parent any of them, when none of them live with her, whether by choice or not.
Around this same time, we also finally received our copy of Payton's file from CPS. Most of it was the same as what we had read at the office right before the adoption, but there was a section in the beginning outlining all the contact CPS had with various family members, etc shortly after Payton was born. There was a family member in another state who almost got custody of her, who had a plane ticket in hand to come pick her up from the NICU until they found out a major piece of negative information about that family member at the last minute. We were that close to having someone else take our daughter and we never would have met her... It also said in the file that Payton's biological father visited her at the NICU a few times right after she was born. I had never heard anything like this before. Her mom had said he was there at the birth, but I'd never known he visited her on his own afterward. He quickly fell out of the picture and was nowhere to be found by the time we got involved, but I'm glad I'll be able to tell Payton about him visiting one day.
There are so many little things like this that pop up when you're dealing with adoption. Things that people with biological children never even have to consider. And this makes me sad sometimes. At the time I was thinking so much about her biological mom, there were times I would look at Payton and think, "I'm parenting someone else's child." I remember reading in adoption books that some moms felt like this at first. I didn't at first because I was so careful to remind myself that she was a foster child at that point, not my child. I feel guilty when I think like this. Then I turn around and Payton is doing something just like me and I'm reminded that she is, in fact, my daughter.
About a month ago, I'd been thinking a lot about Payton's biological mother for some reason. She was just on my mind, wondering where she is, how she's doing and hoping she is well. I even stalkingly looked her up on Facebook. She was surprisingly easy to find. She hadn't had anything posted on there in months, but it did have several pictures from the past year, one possibly even of Payton's siblings that live in another state with relatives. Also, under the section where it says "Who inspires you?" she had written "My kids". This struck me as both so sweet and so sad. I'm glad to know she feels this way and would be proud to tell Payton this one day. But at the same time, it's heartbreaking to know she feels this way when she is unable to parent any of them, when none of them live with her, whether by choice or not.
Around this same time, we also finally received our copy of Payton's file from CPS. Most of it was the same as what we had read at the office right before the adoption, but there was a section in the beginning outlining all the contact CPS had with various family members, etc shortly after Payton was born. There was a family member in another state who almost got custody of her, who had a plane ticket in hand to come pick her up from the NICU until they found out a major piece of negative information about that family member at the last minute. We were that close to having someone else take our daughter and we never would have met her... It also said in the file that Payton's biological father visited her at the NICU a few times right after she was born. I had never heard anything like this before. Her mom had said he was there at the birth, but I'd never known he visited her on his own afterward. He quickly fell out of the picture and was nowhere to be found by the time we got involved, but I'm glad I'll be able to tell Payton about him visiting one day.
There are so many little things like this that pop up when you're dealing with adoption. Things that people with biological children never even have to consider. And this makes me sad sometimes. At the time I was thinking so much about her biological mom, there were times I would look at Payton and think, "I'm parenting someone else's child." I remember reading in adoption books that some moms felt like this at first. I didn't at first because I was so careful to remind myself that she was a foster child at that point, not my child. I feel guilty when I think like this. Then I turn around and Payton is doing something just like me and I'm reminded that she is, in fact, my daughter.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Don't I get a gold star?
I feel like I should get some kind of mommy award today. Not only did I care for our strong-willed two-year-old with love and patience (most of the time), but I also did laundry and dishes, mowed the front and back yard, went to the grocery store and worked 5+ hours (earning approximately what my husband makes in a 40-hour work week). When I told Shannon this tonight, he looked at me like I was crazy. Oh, the life of a mom...
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Feeling good again
I kept my new nephew for about an hour the other morning while my sister-in-law went to a doctor's appointment. It went well overall, but boy was Payton jealous. She did not like it when I was holding the baby at all. She kept telling me to hold her instead. She's had some extra moody terrible two days this week and that was definitely one of them. She did have some sweet moments with the baby where she helped hold his bottle and give him kisses on the head, but overall she seems completely over why we would make all this fuss over this little thing that just lays there and sleeps all the time.
I really enjoyed spending time with him though. There's just nothing like a sweet, sleeping newborn in your arms. My sister-in-law spent the rest of the afternoon with us and that was good for our relationship too. We don't spend too much time hanging out without the rest of the family, so this was good. I'm hoping now that we're both mothers and have more in common right now that we can be closer.
I'm not feeling that jealousy anymore. It's good that she's not pregnant anymore. She's still very much recovering from having the baby and the c-section and I do not envy any of that. I vaguely remember how much my laparoscopic surgery hurt, so I can only imagine how she feels. And now she's still looking and feeling six months pregnant, leaking from everywhere and not feeling like this is her body at all. I am glad not to be there and can easily say I'm fine with never experiencing that.
It's good to be feeling good again :)
Here are a couple of pictures I loved from this weekend when Payton was being sweet with her new cousin:
I really enjoyed spending time with him though. There's just nothing like a sweet, sleeping newborn in your arms. My sister-in-law spent the rest of the afternoon with us and that was good for our relationship too. We don't spend too much time hanging out without the rest of the family, so this was good. I'm hoping now that we're both mothers and have more in common right now that we can be closer.
I'm not feeling that jealousy anymore. It's good that she's not pregnant anymore. She's still very much recovering from having the baby and the c-section and I do not envy any of that. I vaguely remember how much my laparoscopic surgery hurt, so I can only imagine how she feels. And now she's still looking and feeling six months pregnant, leaking from everywhere and not feeling like this is her body at all. I am glad not to be there and can easily say I'm fine with never experiencing that.
It's good to be feeling good again :)
Here are a couple of pictures I loved from this weekend when Payton was being sweet with her new cousin:
Thursday, August 23, 2012
New baby
Well, I made it through Shannon's sister finally having her baby. And I have to say, all in all, it was a good experience for me. I worked a long day on Monday while she was being induced and got home just before they got the news she was having a c-section. So we went to the hospital and got to be some of the first people to hold him after he was born. It was just me, Shannon and his brother-in-law in the room with this sweet newborn baby. I'm glad I was there for it. I'm happy I got to hold a baby who was less than an hour old. Shannon was so excited, it was adorable. And I was all wrapped up in the excitement too. I have to say, there's just nothing like getting to hold a brand new baby like that.
Then we had to sit in the waiting room with my in-laws for what seemed like an eternity while his sister was in recovery before we could see her and the baby again. That got really long and uncomfortable. But I survived. Thankfully, the labor and delivery floor was unrecognizable to me.
We took Payton to meet her new cousin the next day. She hated the hospital itself (the smell, everyone in scrubs making her think she's at a doctor's appointment, being enclosed in a small room with too many people, etc) so that was not a pleasant experience. She was sweet with the baby, but mostly cried while we were there, then got kicked out of the room since she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. I'm really looking forward to going to visit the new little family this weekend so Payton can be more comfortable in getting to know the baby.
I thought I'd have more to report about this experience. It was sad at times, but also good for me. I've still felt a little down and irritable more than usual this week, but nothing like before. I'm just glad the pregnancy is over and now we get to enjoy this sweet little baby :)
Then we had to sit in the waiting room with my in-laws for what seemed like an eternity while his sister was in recovery before we could see her and the baby again. That got really long and uncomfortable. But I survived. Thankfully, the labor and delivery floor was unrecognizable to me.
We took Payton to meet her new cousin the next day. She hated the hospital itself (the smell, everyone in scrubs making her think she's at a doctor's appointment, being enclosed in a small room with too many people, etc) so that was not a pleasant experience. She was sweet with the baby, but mostly cried while we were there, then got kicked out of the room since she wasn't supposed to be there in the first place. I'm really looking forward to going to visit the new little family this weekend so Payton can be more comfortable in getting to know the baby.
I thought I'd have more to report about this experience. It was sad at times, but also good for me. I've still felt a little down and irritable more than usual this week, but nothing like before. I'm just glad the pregnancy is over and now we get to enjoy this sweet little baby :)
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Hush little baby
Today we were reading a nursery rhyme book that we recently got. My mom had told me earlier in the week that Payton had nearly started crying when she saw a picture of a mommy rocking a baby to sleep. My mom assumed that Payton was just missing me while I was working and said it was so sweet.
We got to that page this afternoon and it was the lullaby "Hush Little Baby", so I was singing it to Payton. This is not a lullaby I have ever sang to her before. But she had such a reaction to it, like nothing I've ever seen before. She crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my chest, obviously needing comfort. As I continued to sing, she honestly looked like she was about to cry. And it wasn't her usual whiny cry or anything like that. It was a truly sad cry, quiet with big tears. It was an emotion I'm not sure I've ever seen in her like this before.
She had me sing it again and had the same reaction. I showed it to Shannon and he sang it for her. Same reaction. She asked for it again later and I just couldn't bring myself to sing it again.
All I can think is that she's experiencing a memory. Someone must have sung this to her in her past. Maybe it was a nurse at the NICU (although she was pretty young there) or someone at the group foster home who cared for her.
It made me cry too. And I don't cry often these days...
We got to that page this afternoon and it was the lullaby "Hush Little Baby", so I was singing it to Payton. This is not a lullaby I have ever sang to her before. But she had such a reaction to it, like nothing I've ever seen before. She crawled up into my lap and buried her head in my chest, obviously needing comfort. As I continued to sing, she honestly looked like she was about to cry. And it wasn't her usual whiny cry or anything like that. It was a truly sad cry, quiet with big tears. It was an emotion I'm not sure I've ever seen in her like this before.
She had me sing it again and had the same reaction. I showed it to Shannon and he sang it for her. Same reaction. She asked for it again later and I just couldn't bring myself to sing it again.
All I can think is that she's experiencing a memory. Someone must have sung this to her in her past. Maybe it was a nurse at the NICU (although she was pretty young there) or someone at the group foster home who cared for her.
It made me cry too. And I don't cry often these days...
Friday, August 17, 2012
Resentment
My sister-in-law will be having her first baby any day now. And frankly, I can't wait. Can't wait to meet our new nephew, can't wait to see how Payton reacts to her new little cousin, can't wait for her to actually have a cousin nearby that we can see often and they can really grow up together. But most of all, I can't wait for my sister-in-law to not be pregnant anymore. I've had more than enough of hearing her complain about the pregnancy and all its difficulties. I'm not minimizing her pain or anything, but it's like no one even remembers that it might be difficult for me too. She says things like how she can never get comfortable or sleep anymore and everyone is like "Oh I would not want to be in your shoes" and I'm over there thinking "Hello, I would!"
I'm still at a point where I think we will not try for a biological child again, but if I could somehow know that it could be successful and "easy" to get and stay pregnant, I probably would then. I just can't bring myself to try again knowing there's a good chance of only suffering more losses and more pain. Even though I've come to this decision, it doesn't mean it's been an easy one. It doesn't erase the pain of the losses we had. Nothing erases that, not even the joy that Payton brings.
I'm both looking forward to and dreading the actual birth of our new nephew. He will be born in the only hospital here in our little hometown. The hospital where I had my laparoscopic surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, the one where I had my D&C for the missed miscarriage. The D&C was on the actual labor and delivery floor, so I'm worrying about triggering the trauma of that when we visit them at the hospital (although my D&C experience was a good one and the nurses where the nicest there, it was still understandably a tough time). I've heard that they've recently renovated the labor and delivery floor, so I'm hoping that it's unrecongizable to me. We recently found out that she's supposed to be induced Sunday evening if nothing happens before. That means he'll most like be born on either Monday or Tuesday, which I have to admit is a relief because I acutally have to work long hours on both those days. I do want to see them and share in the celebration, but I don't know how much sitting around a labor and delivery room I could do without breaking down eventually.
Most of the time I feel okay. This is not an all-emcompassing sadness like it was before. But there are more moments lately when it just hits me and knocks me off-guard. I've gone to a couple of playdates with my local mom's group recently. Inevitably, someone there is pregnant or they're telling pregnancy/birth stories. And I sit there feeling left out and sad that I have nothing to share.
I had gotten to a point where I was feeling okay about seeing pregnant people, but it's been bothering me again lately. It's not like it was before. Not the searing pain when I saw a woman with a cute little baby bump, but now it's more of a deep ache of resentment. Sadness at the realization that will never be me. Hurt that my body could not ever hold on to our babies. Grief that I'll never get to experience that miracle of life.
It just never goes away completely.
I'm still at a point where I think we will not try for a biological child again, but if I could somehow know that it could be successful and "easy" to get and stay pregnant, I probably would then. I just can't bring myself to try again knowing there's a good chance of only suffering more losses and more pain. Even though I've come to this decision, it doesn't mean it's been an easy one. It doesn't erase the pain of the losses we had. Nothing erases that, not even the joy that Payton brings.
I'm both looking forward to and dreading the actual birth of our new nephew. He will be born in the only hospital here in our little hometown. The hospital where I had my laparoscopic surgery to remove the ectopic pregnancy, the one where I had my D&C for the missed miscarriage. The D&C was on the actual labor and delivery floor, so I'm worrying about triggering the trauma of that when we visit them at the hospital (although my D&C experience was a good one and the nurses where the nicest there, it was still understandably a tough time). I've heard that they've recently renovated the labor and delivery floor, so I'm hoping that it's unrecongizable to me. We recently found out that she's supposed to be induced Sunday evening if nothing happens before. That means he'll most like be born on either Monday or Tuesday, which I have to admit is a relief because I acutally have to work long hours on both those days. I do want to see them and share in the celebration, but I don't know how much sitting around a labor and delivery room I could do without breaking down eventually.
Most of the time I feel okay. This is not an all-emcompassing sadness like it was before. But there are more moments lately when it just hits me and knocks me off-guard. I've gone to a couple of playdates with my local mom's group recently. Inevitably, someone there is pregnant or they're telling pregnancy/birth stories. And I sit there feeling left out and sad that I have nothing to share.
I had gotten to a point where I was feeling okay about seeing pregnant people, but it's been bothering me again lately. It's not like it was before. Not the searing pain when I saw a woman with a cute little baby bump, but now it's more of a deep ache of resentment. Sadness at the realization that will never be me. Hurt that my body could not ever hold on to our babies. Grief that I'll never get to experience that miracle of life.
It just never goes away completely.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)