Man, I haven't written in forever. I know when I don't write in this long that things have been settled and good. I meant to write for Payton's birthday. I thought about all the amazing things she is and does now that she's turned 3. But not even that got me writing...
Last week, I had a bone density scan. No big deal. Just because I've been on the Depo Provera shot for 3 years and there is some inconclusive evidence that it can affect your bone density. Nothing to worry about, just a precaution. Then I got a phone call from the nurse saying there was some thinning in my bones (or whatever words she used to describe it) and I won't be able to take the Depo Provera anymore. She goes on to say the doctor wrote a note wondering if I wanted to have a tubal instead.
So this throws everything into question again. I have spent these past three years blissfully ignoring my fertility (or lack thereof) and wanted to happily keep it this way. We still have a couple of months to decide since I did get a shot a few weeks ago, but I have to start thinking. And I don't like it. I liked not having to decide. I liked the idea of just putting it off and not having to make any life altering decisions for awhile.
Honestly, I'm still torn on whether I would even like to try to get pregnant again. Part of me thinks, sure, I could handle it. My first instinct was that we could try one more time and if I had yet another loss to give up forever and convince my doctor to just take it all so I don't have to think about it ever again.
But then again, could I handle it? Have I simply forgotten just how difficult it was? Would I be robbing Payton of something? Would she suffer if I had another loss and couldn't be there for her? Would she suffer if we did somehow have a biological child?
Most of these past three years have been great physically where my reproductive system is concerned. After my ectopic, I had almost daily significant pain where the ectopic was that got worse every time I ovulated or got my period. Now that I don't ovulate or get periods since going on the Depo, it's been pretty much pain free. I've had some light pain in the past month and it makes me wonder if I would be crazy to welcome this pain again by trying to get pregnant again.
I brought it up to Shannon and he was no help so far. He just said he doesn't want to get a vasectomy, which I had never considered and didn't think was an issue right now anyway. I'm sure we'll have a bigger conversation about it later, but ultimately it's up to me. And that can be scary. Such a huge decision. So much to weigh. So much to consider. Any advice out there? Anyone actually still following my blog?
1 comment:
I am here. Randomly decided to check up on you. Ugh. What a hard decision. My second ectopic of course forced the issue for us, effectively acting as a tubal. And the nurse when I went for my yearly asked me if I had a tubal and I about fell apart. My situation is different of course though.
My husband had said that he would do a vasectomy when we decided to stop TTC for good because I had been through a lot. Also, vasectomies are reportedly easier for dudes than tubals are. I think I heard something
Any chance of doing IUD to buy time? I was hesitant because of EP so I never did it.
Sigh. If te issue is forced I am not sure what I would do in your shoes. I hated the feeling of having the choice to TTC completely taken out of my hands, I will tell you that. That being said, opening yourself up to a high stakes situation is also either amazing or sucky with little middle ground.
God forbid if you had a rough patch, P would be taken care of. When I had E, S was fine. And when I lost the last baby, S and E were taken care of too and they are no worse for the wear. S was about 6 weeks shy of 3.
I don't know why I am rambling so much with no solution. More later, perhaps...it is late here!
Hugs in the deciding process.
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