Craziness

I feel like I'm going crazy. I was convinced in the middle of the night last night that I was pregnant. Absolutely convinced. My period was due yesterday and never came. I've been having cramping and pain, but still not period and this is always how it's been with all my pregnancies. I usually ovulate earlier than expected, but my period arrives like clockwork exactly 2 weeks after I feel ovulation pain which I know for sure was 2 Wednesdays ago. I really didn't sleep much at all in the night, waiting until what I felt was a reasonable time to finally test. I was absolutely sure it would say I was pregnant, so I was shocked when the test read "Not Pregnant". I actually had to look back at it several times to believe it.

I wasn't heartbroken. A little disappointed, but nothing big. This was just our first month semi-trying again and I never expected it to happen so quickly. I told Shannon. He said sorry and asked if I was okay. I am.

So I went on about my day. I've continued to have pain and cramping off and on, but still no period. I had a routine appointment with my endocrinologist where I found out that my TSH has jumped up to 4.7 (!) again. It was .3 two months ago and the only thing we changed was to have me only take half a pill one day a week to help lessen the hyperthyroid symptoms I had been experiencing. I am shocked and disappointed it has risen so high so quickly. So my first thought again is I must be pregnant and that's what is making it go up now. And if I'm pregnant, it's already not looking good. First of all, a negative pregnancy test would show that the HCG levels are pretty low and they should not be that low 15 days after ovulation. Secondly, my TSH is already dangerously high for a pregnancy. So I stopped at a store on the way home and bought more pregnancy tests. This time, I got the ones that say how pregnant you are, like 1-2 weeks or 3+ weeks past ovulation. I figured these would have a lower range for testing and I could trust that. Still "Not Pregnant".

What in the world is going on with my body? In the middle of the night, in my absolutely sureness that I was indeed pregnant, I went ahead a used a progesterone suppository that I had left over from my last pregnancy and does not expire until next year. I know this could have confused my body and could delay my period, but shouldn't that have cleared out by now?

Honestly, at this point, I really don't want to be pregnant after all the worrying this has already caused me today. Last night, in the middle of the night, I welcomed the idea and tried to surround myself in positive thoughts. Today, I can't see that positivity so well anymore. I'm just ready for my period to show up now so I can move on and really try again the right way when my body is more ready.

Trying again

We discussed it and decided to go ahead and try starting this month. Originally I was going to wait since we were just getting started at the fertility doctor and hadn't even had all the tests or officially gotten a plan from the doctor yet. But what are all those tests and plans going to change? I know that most likely they're going to recommend IVF and that we don't want to do that. I'll admit that maybe, just maybe, I would consider it if we didn't have to pay for it. But really, it just doesn't feel right for us. I just want the chance to get pregnant as naturally as possible for me.

I kept hearing in my head that the HSG could help us get and stay pregnant for the next few months. Then the doctor called the next morning to say they saw evidence of swelling/irritation in my tube when she reviewed my HSG results. (Duh, I've told everyone all these years that it hurts there almost daily. No shocker to me.) So they're putting me on a course of antibiotics. I know I've heard of research showing that antibiotics can help your chances of getting and staying pregnant too. So I just couldn't pass up this shot to go ahead and try now. I don't think it will happen right away, but we might as well start now. I never asked the doctor if we should try this month or wait. I didn't want to hear her answer. I've been through this enough now to know I need to trust myself most in this process.

On a semi-related note, Shannon has a much younger brother who got married this summer. They're in their early twenties and still living at home with her parents (in a far away state from us). When we were there for the wedding, people inevitably asked when they were going to have kids and they said they definitely wanted to wait. Fast forward about a month. Surprise, surprise, she's already pregnant (another one from their honeymoon, no less.) I wanted to be happy for them. But really I wasn't. I thought they should wait, etc. But really I was jealous. I cringed at their announcement on Facebook and pictures they were posting of her little belly.

We recently found out that the pregnancy is not going well. Today I was told details that tell me this is definitely ending in miscarriage. It sounds like the doctor is still giving them hope. But I know better. No heartbeat at 11 weeks? It's not happening. There's no way your dates are that off. But I couldn't say that to them. They've reached out to us because they know we've been through it all too many times before. All I could honestly tell her was to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. And keep talking about it with people they know and trust.

It's sad that anyone has to go through this. And sad how scared and alone it makes you feel when in reality, they are so many of us who have experienced the very same thing. I'm thinking I really don't want to stay quiet about it all anymore. I may even share more with my real life friends about my current fertility experience, which I've barely done before. What's the point of staying quiet about it? It didn't help before and definitely didn't help when I was struggling through losses.

HSG

Just got back from my HSG test. It was much less painful than I remember it being years ago when I had it done before. It probably helped that I took two Aleve before I got there... The xray tech woman was very kind and walked me through every step of the procedure, both before and during the test. She even turned the screen so I could see what was happening as it was happening and explained it all to me (which I know she's not really supposed to do, but I so appreciated.) My uterus looked "beautiful", my right tube filled and spilled just like it was supposed to, and the left tube filled a little then nothing. No spilling, even when she had me move in different positions and she put more contrast dye in. So it's still blocked. No surprise.

I wish I could go back to six years ago when I had the first ectopic and had surgery to remove it. I would insist that my doctor take that whole stupid tube out too. I know he was trying to do me a favor, but it's just been nothing but trouble.

The woman that did my HSG today was trying to be helpful and tell me all about how this test can sometimes help you get and stay pregnant for 2-4 months after the test. Then she was explaining to me how your body ovulates from alternating ovaries each month and how she never knew that when she was trying to get pregnant. I had to just stop her there and explain how I already know entirely too much about ovulation and pregnancies, but I appreciated her effort.

Since we're so early in this process now again, I'm not sure how to feel about it all this time around. I want to be excited and hopeful, but honestly I'm just feeling bitter right now. I'm pissed that I even have to go through all this. I'm still mad when I see other women announcing their easy pregnancies on Facebook. I'm angry that I have to go to these crazy lengths just to have the tiniest of hope that I might be able to one day give birth to a baby. I want to get passed all these negative feelings, but for now it just feels like I've opened a big can of bitterness.

Doctor, revisited

Just got back from the fertility doctor. I still have mixed feelings about it all, but it went fine. I spent most of the time actually meeting with the doctor, going over my history and what we plan to do from here. I told her from the beginning that I really don't want to do IVF and she said we would table that discussion for now, but it may in fact be my best shot. I'm going to have another HSG done tomorrow to check my tubes. I remember having this done years ago and it was very painful, especially where the ectopic was. Heck, even the ultrasound she did today hurt when she pushed on that area. So not looking forward to the pain, but I expected this and do want to have the test done again.

Then we'll do more bloodwork next month. The biggest, newest thing we're going to do is she is going to try to go back to the records from the hospital when I had my ectopic pregnancy removed and when I had my D&C to try to test the chromosomes of those two babies. She said this is very new technology to be able to go back to these slides and get this sort of information. It can be difficult to do and may take awhile for them to even track down what they need, but that's the plan. That both excites and terrifies me. I've always had details I imagined about each of the babies, but I've never known anything at all for sure. If we find chromosomal abnormalities in these babies, that indicates a very different plan that almost certainly includes IVF.

It almost felt like an out-of-body experience being there. I've so blocked out so many things from those pregnancies and losses, it was weird to talk about them again. Even when I was filling out the new patient paperwork last week, I felt almost annoyed to have to list the details of each pregnancy again. I wouldn't say I necessarily feel hopeful at this point, but it felt like a positive experience overall. At least not a negative one. I felt like I was heard and respected and I didn't always feel like that by the end of my last fertility experience, to say the least.

I feel like I need to talk about all this to process it. But I'm not sure where to turn at this point. So I'm thankful I still have this blog to help me wrap my brain around it all. Here we go again...

Now or never

I'm going to a fertility doctor this afternoon. It's actually the same doctor I saw a few years ago with pregnancy #4, but she now has an office in my small town so I don't have to go to the bigger city to see her. I'm nervous about it. I have already decided I want to try to get pregnant one more time. I don't want to do IVF, but I want to do whatever else we can to help ensure that this one could be successful.

I've been going to an endocrinologist for the past few months and that has been the most encouraging thing of all. The more I read about hypothyroidism, the more I realize that I have been having symptoms for years! I'm pretty positive that my first pregnancy triggered my hypothyroidism. That was the strongest of all my babies, the one that refused to give up, the one that could have made it if it had just been implanted in my uterus. No pregnancy since that has been so strong. Even the ones that we saw heartbeats for. Those ones always measured a little small, the heartbeat was a little slow, etc.

The endocrinologist did lots of bloodwork from the beginning and finally gave me some answers. I have Hashimoto's disease, which is an autoimmune disorder that causes the hypothyroidism. I had an extreme Vitamin B deficiency and also a Vitamin D deficiency. All of these are linked to recurrent miscarriages. My endocrinologist immediately upped my thyroid dosage and put me on major prescription vitamins. And I am feeling so much better. It's been so many years of this now that it's hard to say if I'm back to "normal", but definitely better. Not so tired all the time, much more energy, starting to lose weight and gain strength. Very encouraging.

So it feels like it's now or never if I'm going to try again. I turned 35 this year, so it would already be a "high risk" pregnancy even without all my other losses. My thyroid level is so low now that I have even been having hyperthyroid symptoms (heart racing, hot flashes, etc.) I can't even drink a Coke now without feeling jumpy for the rest of the day, but I guess that's a good thing since I've been trying to give up caffeine for years. From everything I've read, it's best for my TSH to be as close to zero as possible when trying to conceive and stay pregnant. My TSH was .3 at my last appointment. So now or never, right?

Decisions, Decisions

I had my appointment with my regular OB-GYN today to discuss my options for the future, both if I decide to try again or not. If I were to try again, he said he recommends IVF and gave me the name of a fertility doctor he's seen a lot of success with. I thought about it all day and was starting to warm to the idea of seeing this doctor. Then I looked through the folder of information on them and googled them too. Now I'm not so sure. All of their info and reviews just talk about IVF. And honestly, I've never liked the idea of IVF for me. The thought of spending thousands of dollars and investing so much time and energy in the process only to have yet another loss sounds awful to me. I understand there are some pros for me, especially considering my history. IVF would choose the strongest, healthiest embryos and ensure they're implanted in my uterus, eliminating the worry of another ectopic. That's great and all, but I've had babies seemingly implanted correctly only to lose them...

This will sound crazy, but this morning when we discussed my options for not ever getting pregnant again I was more excited about the idea of a hysterectomy than doing IVF. My doctor tried to suggest a tubal ligation at first, but this doesn't sound like what I want. If I'm *never* going to try to get pregnant again, why in the world would I want to continue having periods?? Very painful periods at that. He finally agreed and documented all kinds of symptoms in my chart in case I do decide to go down that road so we can make sure my insurance will cover it.

I still strongly feel that my thyroid is largely to blame for my miscarriages. The more I research about thyroid disorder, the more it just makes sense. And the more it makes me wonder about other things I'm experiencing that could very well be due to my poorly controlled hypothyroidism. I recently found a doctor nearby who specializes in thyroid disorder. Everything I've read on her website makes me feel that she really could help me, whether or not we ever try again. I've already been leaning towards making an appointment with her just to see if it felt right. So now do I still just do that and ignore my regular doctor's advice? Do I meet with the fertility doctor too just to make sure? Why isn't there someone out there who can help me make these difficult decisions??

Bitter irony

I'm having excruciating ovulation pain tonight. Oh, the cruelest of ironies. Less than one week after I *finally* stop bleeding from the never-ending non-pregnancy, I'm already ovulating again. Enough already! It just makes me feel more broken. The tease of imagining that I'm super fertile and that my body thinks it's already ready to try again is almost too much. I was nearly in tears driving home from work tonight, both from the physical pain but also the emotional drain as well. I know we can't even begin to think of trying again for a few months. It wouldn't even be safe to conceive so soon after four (!) Methotrexate injections. That would only lead to yet another loss again for sure. But my stupid body did not get the message. It's so frustrating. I had a ton of EWCM the other day. And that pissed me off too. Why does my body want to try to trick me like this? Why do I have super regular cycles when it never seems to help anything?? I remember being much younger and having cramps and telling myself it would all be worth it one day because that meant I would get to have a baby one day. What a big pile of crap. Now I have almost daily pain that gets nearly unbearable at times when I ovulate or get my period. And what has that gotten me?? Five pregnancy losses!? It's hard to not feel hopeless and bitter over it all. And alone. I know it's not true, but it feels like no one else has gone through this. It seems like everyone else I know who has had a loss or losses like mine still have had at least one successful pregnancy too. But I can't even make it past eight weeks or so. It feels so unfair that I want to scream. I know so much about fertility and pregnancy, but there's little chance I'll ever get to truly experience it. Most moms I know don't even have a clue, but they just blithely go through these perfect, easy pregnancies. It makes me wonder why I've still keep trying, why I would even consider putting myself through it all again. But I still want to join their club. I still want to have the experience of feeling a life inside of me, of seeing my belly grow, of fun positive ultrasounds for once. Of giving birth, of being able to breastfeed. I know that if I'm never able to do these things, it will be one of my greatest regrets in life. I know I wouldn't love a biological child any more than I love Payton. I know it wouldn't change the parenting struggles. But selfishly, I just want the experience. It's something I've dreamt of for a very long time and it's still hard to imagine finally giving up that dream forever.