Sign

I was just sitting here on the couch, checking my email and Facebook. I have my laptop in my lap and absentmindedly had my hand resting on my stomach. Shannon just came in the room and said "What, are you pregnant or something?" Ha! If only it were that easy... Highly unlikely, considering I just had my birth control shot again last week.

Guess it's really just a sign I should get my big butt off this couch and exercise instead of playing on the computer  :)

No Tears

We went for a follow-up with Payton's ENT doctor today and I am thrilled to report that for the first time ever, she did not cry at all through the entire appointment!! This is huge for us. As you know, we go to lots of doctors and there have been so many tears each time, but not today! We've gotten out a toy stethoscope recently and talk quite a bit about doctors and try to give her an idea of what to expect at the appointment. Maybe she's just gotten more mature, maybe all our prep work has paid off. Whatever's working, we'll take it :) She was still definitely clingy and hesitant, but let both the nurse and the doctor touch her. Huge steps. So proud of my little girl...

Here are some recent pics our sweet Payton since it's been forever since my last post:

She loves her water table! Thanks Nana!!

First time in the baby pool for the year

We finally found a life jacket small enough to fit her :)

Strong

Payton had a follow-up with the cardiologist this morning. I had been dreading this appointment, worrying about how she would do. She absolutely hates going to doctors and unfortunately, she goes to many. She is still very hesitant and slow-to-warm-up with all adults, but her reaction to doctors is very loud, kicking and screaming. She has never liked them, but now she's old enough to have an idea what to expect. The minute they call her name and she knows she's going to have to be placed on a scale (oh the horror!), she clings to me and starts crying. If the nurse or doctor looks at her or heaven forbid, touches her, then she really starts screaming. This is our experience at every single appointment. And I knew it would be even worse at the cardiologist because they have to do several tests on her, hooking her up to machines and touching her even more than other doctors. Thankfully my mom went with us today. And boy did Payton scream. But also, she was able to calm like never before too. Usually we have to re-do the EKG several times, but today it was only once. She even eventually settled while the doctor did the ultrasound of her heart. I was so proud of my sweet little girl. We see a different cardiologist from their practice each time we go, but this one was by far the best, most patient, with wonderful kid-bedside manner. He even sang "Wheels on the Bus" for her while he was examining her. And we got a good report today too. The hole in her heart has continued to get smaller each time we see it. We're even getting to the point now that it has improved so much that she may not have to have heart surgery again to correct it when she gets older. Yay!

Sitting there in the doctor's office today, I couldn't help but think back to the first time we'd been there. Payton had only been with us for less than a month. We were still getting to know her, learning about all her medical conditions, learning about her sweet, strong little personality. She was so tiny, but such a little fighter. The doctor today was explaining everything to the med student who was shadowing him. Hearing him describe Payton puts it all in perspective. How premature she was, how absolutely tiny she was when she was born, how sick she was, how far she's come, how strong she is. We are so blessed.

Grief, hidden

I just found out that my sister-in-law's due date is September 7th.  This is the exact date that our first baby should have been due.  The first baby that brought so much hope, that was such a fighter but turned out to be ectopic so couldn't live.  Could this really be that much of a coincidence?  What lesson am I supposed to take away from this?  Just when I'm feeling so good and at peace with all my losses, this brings it all back up again.  I feel like all the losses just led us to Payton, to our sweet daughter who I am so very thankful for.  But the pain is still hidden in there too.

I came home the other day and my sister-in-law was unexpectedly here visiting.  I went to my closet to get her all my pregnancy books.  And wham!  There were all kinds of pregnancy memoribilia in this box with the books.  I was hit with sonogram pictures and sympathy cards.  I saw all my pregnancy journals, one for each baby, mostly unfinished but staring me in the face...

Apparently all my grieving is not finished.

A New Hope

Man, it's been forever since I've written.  Guess that's just a sign of how relatively smooth things are these days, how I don't need this outlet right now like I used to.  We just recently passed the one-year anniversary of Payton coming to live with us.  Hard to believe it's already been a whole year, but then again, I can't imagine our lives without that little bundle of joy and energy anymore.  Recently I went back and re-read some of the posts from a year ago-- what a difference a year makes!  I'm so glad I was writing so much back then because it all feels like a blur to me now.  At least I have those to remind me of the sweet, crazy early days with her.  On New Years Eve, Shannon and I stayed home since we were both recovering from a nasty stomach bug.  We were reflecting on the past year and how much Payton has changed our lives for the better.  He turned to me and said "You know, it's not even like someone gave her to us anymore, it feels like we actually had her ourselves."  I agree.  Sure, we know her past and will share it with her in appropriately ways when the time comes.  But she's a part of us in a way I never could have imagined.  Here are a few recent pictures of her:

She absolutely loves playing outside

So happy  :)

My beautiful girl...

Waching football with Daddy-- too cute, I know

My biggest news recently is that my sister-in-law just found out she is pregnant.  They had been trying for awhile and we were the first people they told.  She called to ask me questions like if all her symptoms were normal, should she go to an OB-GYN or a family doctor, what should she not eat, etc.  I find it incredibly ironic that I am the family expert on pregnancy.  Sure, I've gotten pregnant four times, but clearly none of them ended pleasantly.  Then again, I've probably done more reading and research on pregnancy than most people ever dream, so I guess I am sort of an expert.  It's sad in a way to imagine that with all that knowledge, I may never get to experience it in any real, positive way personally.  But then again, I'm glad I can share my knowledge and my experiences with others.  I'm so happy that my sister-in-law reached out to me and chose to ask me for advice.  After all our ups and downs, this could be the thing that finally brings us together.  I told her she's more than welcome to all my pregnancy books.  I mean, they're just collecting dust at the top of my closet.  I am happy and hopeful for her.  I know seeing my nephew (from my my brother) helped to heal a lot of the hurt from my losses.  Just being able to see myself in him, knowing that somehow my genetic bits are being past on in some way makes such a difference to me.  I only hope this baby from Shannon's sister can do the same for him.

Giving thanks

So much to be thankful for this year:

• My #1 thing I'm thankful for this year is easily Payton.  She has completely changed our lives in so many amazing ways.  I love being her mama and feel so lucky to finally be able to officially call her my daughter!
• I'm thankful for my sweet husband who challenges me, supports me, encourages me, pushes me, frustrates me and makes me laugh.  It's been awesome to see him grow into such a wonderful daddy and to share these past 11+ years together.
• I'm thankful for my mom.  She's always there for me and loves Payton just as dearly as I do.  I could not have made it through the past few years without her.
• I'm thankful for my newborn niece.  We got to Skype with them today and she was so adorable, looked just like a little baby doll.
• I'm thankful for my fun nephew.  Even though we live far apart, I love that we still have a connection, that he still knows me and asks for me.  He is certainly one of the things that helped most when I was struggling through all my losses.
• I'm thankful for our extended families, both near and far.  I love that we live in the same town as much of Shannon's family and that we get to see Payton running around with cousins and having such a great time.
• I'm thankful for our home.  While maintaining it and paying for it can be a struggle sometimes, I absolutely love our neighborhood and our house and wouldn't want to be anywhere else.
• I'm thankful that Payton is taking a second nap today.  After getting up much too early, helping me put up the Christmas tree, going over to visit family and eat for Thanksgiving, running running running to keep up with the older cousins, she just crashed this afternoon.  On that note, I think I'll enjoy this peace and quiet and go take a nap myself  :)

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours!!!

IT'S A GIRL!!

(This is only a week late, but better late than never!)

Introducing our daughter Payton Alexis!  Born 6/15/10, adopted into our forever family 11/18/11!!

I'll share more pics from adoption day soon, but I'm waiting to get some from the rest of the family.  Shannon and I were so busy celebrating and chasing Payton around that we only took 3 pictures with our camera the whole day!  It was an amazing day that I'll never forget.