Close of a Chapter

Today should have been the due date for our last baby.  I don't feel that overwhelming sadness I've felt with other due dates, but it's definitely worth noting today.  It feels like the close of a chapter of our lives.  A very long and challenging chapter, but one that has forever changed us and made us stronger.

I've been thinking since last week's holiday about what I'm thankful for.  I'm thankful for my wonderful husband who never ceases to amaze me, even when he drives me crazy sometimes.  I'm thankful for my mother who has been such a source of support-- our friendship now that I'm an adult means so much to me.  I'm thankful for other friends and family, near and far, who have been there for me through all the ups and downs.  And it may sound crazy, but I'm thankful not to be pregnant right now.  I remember I was a little pregnant at last year's Thanksgiving and couldn't even enjoy leftovers because they made me nauseaous.  And last Christmas was such a blur as I was recovering from yet another pregnancy loss.  I'm so grateful to not be in that place right now.

I do worry that we won't get our Christmas miracle after all, that we won't have kids by then.  I worry that our case manager might not have even started writing up our homestudy, leaving us in this holding pattern indefinitely.  I worry that she doesn't really get us and will place just any foster kids with us out of convenience, not truly matching us with the ones we're meant to adopt.  I'm so ready to have our kids here.  I've definitely got baby fever lately.  I'm still keeping my friend's baby during the day and have so enjoyed that experience.  I'm just ready to have a little one that we can keep here all the time.  Hopefully soon, hopefully soon.

Past and Future Coming Together

Today I went through deja vu world.  This morning I babysat for a little girl I used to nanny for full time a couple of years ago.  I hadn't been there in over a year, but it was all just the same.  Same toys, same crazy rules and expectations from mom.  Then I went to meet with an old friend at the children's shelter where I worked for the better part of four years, but finally quit for good almost 3 years ago.  That was just before the ectopic experience.  Actually looking back, I was already "a little pregnant" when I quit working there, but didn't know it yet.  It's been an eventful and life-changing few years since then...  Now that I have my full counseling license and no full time job, I'm hoping to be able to do contract therapy work out there.  Things had changed out there, but so much of it was still eerily familar.  I spent so much time in both these places, especially the shelter.  It's a place that I still dream about from time to time.  I miss working there, but just don't think I could do direct care like that again, especially with our own kids going to be here relatively soon.  It's a good feeling to be able to finally come full circle and work there again, finally getting to use my counseling skills there like I'd always wanted.

When I got home tonight, there was an e-mail from our case manager at Pathways saying they were checking with families that are in the verification process like we are to see if we could provide respite care for 2 little girls, ages 1 and 2.  Their foster parents have to go out of state for a death in the family and they need someone to care for them for a few days.  Families like us are ideal because we don't have our own foster kids yet, but we've just taken all our classes and have had our home inspections, etc.  We considered it for a bit, but decided we just couldn't do it because we already have plans to go out of town for Thanksgiving this week.  But it's gotten me thinking about how not-ready we are in a practical sense.  I really do need to get my act together and clean out these closets and organize these rooms and get everything I can ready for when we actually are licensed and expecting a call at any minute.  It could be here before we know it.

Frustrations

I've been keeping my friend's baby every day this week again and it's been a good experience for me.  It's certainly been eye-opening how different it is having a baby here in my own house.  I've worked with lots of kids/babies, but never here at home.  Yesterday was the most challenging so far.  He was fussy and more restless than usual and I was exhausted by the end of the day.  It's starting to worry me a little bit how exhausting this is.  And this is just one little baby.  And an easy baby at that.  The kids we get will come with their own little traumas (or big traumas) and will certainly be more challenging.  I guess it will be a learning and growing experience for all of us, figuring out how to make it all work.

One of the most frustrating things is that Shannon just doesn't seem to get it.  He comes home asking what I did all day, why I didn't get such-and-such done, did I just play with the baby all day?  I'm ready for him to have a day at home with a baby/child and see what it's really like.  I'm impressed I've gotten as much done as I have, but then he wonders why I couldn't do more.  I had pictured I'd be cleaning out closets and this baby would just sit there pleasantly.  Hmm... not so much.  My mom is planning to come over today too.  I know she will be a huge help and support when we get kids.  She's getting so excited about it-- looking up websites about what to buy for foster kids and how to deal with the holidays, etc.

I sent an email to our case manager at Pathways the other day to check in and see where we are in the process.  She wrote back a very generic response, like "We're working on your homestudy and will let you know when we're done.  Thanks for your patience."  Disappointing, to say the least.  I mean, I know she is very busy and we are far from her only family, but it's almost been a month since our homestudy interview.  For all I know she hasn't even started typing it up yet!  It's hard to continue to be patient in this inbetween world.

It's also been frustrating because we're getting phone calls and comments from (obviously well-meaning) friends and family wondering when we're getting kids.  Several people have thought we already have kids or that we've "picked some out" and are just waiting for them to get here.  Like that's how it works...  I was trying to figure out where they're getting all this wrong information.  Have I not been clear when explaining things to others?  Then Shannon mentioned last night he figured it was coming from his mom.  She's been known to, how should I put it, stretch the truth from time to time.  It's not necessarily lying, just telling people what they want to hear.  And when she's at a bar with friends, the truth stretching gets even bigger.  So I guess that's it.  But it's still frustrating.  This process can be difficult enough without someone else complicating it even more.

What I'm meant to do

Yesterday, I kept a friend's little baby for the day.  This is the baby that was due 10 days after my #3 should have been.  But all that sadness and grief did not even begin to come into play.  Instead it just reminded me where I'm meant to be in life, what I'm meant to do.  I'm so ready to be a mommy.  Taking care of that sweet baby boy yesterday just reaffirmed this for me.  It just felt right.  I may end up keeping that baby every day for the near future.  I don't know what things will be like once we have our own foster/adopt kiddos, but for now I'd love to have that sweet baby in our house to take care of.  We're starting to accumulate more baby/kids things as we prepare for our own.  In our den, I still have a play pen and the baby quilt my family has always used to lay babies on.  Those things look good in our house and make me happy to finally be able to have here.  My mom bought us our first official item for a baby the other day when we went to Target-- a set of gender-neutral receiving blankets.  So we're moving forward and that makes me so happy. 

Growth

I was just sitting here, thinking how much I've grown and healed in the past year.  In all absurdity, the thing that has called this to my attention most lately is that Shannon has gotten the newest edition of one of his favorite video games.  It's violent and graphic and he loves it.  I was just realizing that before, the release of this video game often has happend to coincide with our pregnancy losses.  And this game is one major way Shannon dealt with it all-- he played for hours on end, hunting people down and shooting them.  Doesn't sound pleasant, but hey, we all have our paths through grief, right?

So in the past, he'd be here like he is now playing this violent game and I'd be here on my computer, most likely looking up reasons to solve why I lost this pregnancy or what I can do better next time.  But thankfully, I'm not in that place this time around, far from it.  I realized the other day that I haven't even looked at the websites from the online support groups that I used to check several times a day.  I'm not that sad, grieving girl anymore.  Sure, I still have my sad days, but they are very few and far between lately.  And that feels so good to finally be able to say.

Waiting

This waiting and wondering is hard.  I'm not good with unknowns and surprises.  We're still waiting for our case manager to write up our homestudy and have it approved so we can be officially licensed.  Then the real waiting will begin.  But this inbetween time is tough too.

I took my mom to a behavior intervention training class at Pathways (our foster/adopt agency) last night.  We are taking the steps to get my mom certified as a "frequent babysitter" for our future kiddos.  It's great that she's been so supportive all this time.  But she definitely had her eyes opened a bit more last night.  The instructor was talking about what kinds of behaviors we might expect in these kids we will get who have been abused/neglected.  At the first break, my mom admitted to me that she had not even really considered these things and was feeling like she wouldn't know how to take care of them.  By the end, she seemed to be feeling much better.  The instructor had talked about all the things you can do to heal and help these kids, how to help them bond with you and I saw my mom realize she already does those things naturally.  Besides raising my brother and I, she has worked with little kids off and on for much of her life.  She's already kind and nurturing and patient.  It's great to know she's there with us along this journey.

It felt good to go back to Pathways again.  In this inbetween waiting time, I start to feel disconnected from the whole process.  Like they're going to forget about us.  Like we'll never get kids even after all we've done and been through.  But being there again reminds me why we're doing all this and gives me hope (albeit with a little fear of the unknown) for our future.  Our home could be "open" by the end of this month and we could have kids so soon.  Amazing.

Ramblings...

Wow, it's been way too long since I last posted.  It's been so long and we've had so much going on, I'm not even sure where to begin.  This post may turn in to one long rambling mess.  So to my two readers, if you're still even out there, I apologize in advance.

Since I last wrote, we did go on our amazing "babymoon".  We spent almost a week in Los Angeles visiting my brother and his family.  For much of the time out there, my brother and his wife were out of town, so we got to take care of my 11-month old nephew on our own.  Very good practice for Shannon and I as we prepare to have children of our own here.  We took him for walks, went to the park, danced and sang silly songs together.  Seriously, just playing with my nephew was one of the biggest highlights of the trip, right up there with all the amazing things we did in Costa Rica.  That's not to say our time in Costa Rica was not amazing, because it truly was.  We were fun and adventurous and spontaneous.  We drove across the entire country with no itinerary, not one planned reservation for where we were going to stay and it worked out perfectly.  I have Shannon to thank for encouraging me to get out of my shell and enjoy such a free time together.  And it was especially enjoyable because it was so special for us to just spend time together, just the two of us for our last vacation as non-parents.  Even when we got home, we took naps on the couch together and woke up saying to one another, "Wow, appreciate that.  We probably won't be able to do that in a couple of months."

We've been back almost two weeks already from our amazing LA/Costa Rica vacation extraordinaire.  We had such a wonderful time and it's been hard to readjust back to reality.  When we got back, neither Shannon nor I really had a job so we were able to pretend for the first few days or so that we were still on vacation.  We still went out and spent money we don't necessarily have right now and charged it to a credit card.  But now, the real world is starting to sink in again.  Shannon started a new job this week.  A very grown-up but rather humdrum job.  He keeps focusing on how great it will be in the long run (great benefits, retirement, regular schedule, weekends off) and I hope he can keep that enthusiasm.

I, on the other hand, am still unemployed.  In theory, I still have grand plans on how I'll be able to do more private/independent work, but nothing's happening yet.  Selfishly, I'd hoped it was all going to work itself out while we were away on vacation, but that did NOT happen.  I've come to realize this week a couple of personality traits I have working against me in the challenge of being unemployed or even self-employed.  1) I am such a great procrastinator.  I can have the grandest of plans, the best to-do lists and still nothing gets done.  My perfectionism tends to win out as I worry that if I finally do whatever it is I need to do, it won't be done correctly, so I might as well not do it, or at least I should put it off until tomorrow.  2) I have an embarrassing sense of entitlement.  Somewhere, deep inside in a place where I hate to even admit, I wish things would just be done for me.  I think it stems from growing up rather privilidged as a child.  We had plenty of money and I never really had to do much to get what I wanted.  I never thought of myself as spoiled-- and trust me, I knew some VERY spoiled people.  But now, looking back...  I mean, I appreciate all the hard work my dad did and all they were able to give me and my brother.  It just makes it a little harder now as an adult.  I wish I didn't have to work.  I have always wished that I would be able to stay home with our children.  But now with Shannon taking this new job, it is clear that will not be a possibility.  I will have to work.  I wish other people would find jobs, find clients for me.  I wish other people would create a non-profit for me to work at, but I don't want to do the work to create said non-profit.  I wish my dad would still just give us money for no reason.  I am ashamed to even admit all these wishes, but they're there...

We had our big homestudy interview a few days after getting back from our vacation.  When we opened the door, surprise (!) our case manager had changed.  Our original case manager decided to start her maternity leave a little earlier than expected, so we had a replacement show up instead.  We liked her fine, but she wasn't as warm and genuine as the first one.  But if nothing else, we've learned we've got to roll with the punches.  If she's who we have to work with to get our kids in our home, so be it.  I'll share all our intimate details with this perfect stranger.  No problem.  And really it was so much easier and less invasive than I'd thought it would be.  So now we're really done with our part of getting us licensed.  We just have to wait for her to write up our homestudy, have it approved by the agency, have us approve it and that's it.  Then she'll come back out to our house to sign contracts and our house will officially be "open".  She echoed what many others have told us.  Since we are so open and willing to accept a sibling group, a rather large range of ages (0-9) and any ethnicity, we should get kids pretty quickly.  Shannon still says like he has since the beginning that we'll have kids by Christmas.  That is both completely awesome and completely terrifying.

I feel like there's still so much to be done to prepare ourselves for this enormous change in our lives.  I still need to figure our my career situation and get our finances squared away.  I still have closets to clean out and rooms to rearrange.  They've convinced us we should wait to buy furniture until we know what kids we'll be getting.  Which makes since but also freaks me out.  In about month from now, we could get a call for an emergency placement.  I have a few sweet friends who have offered me to throw an impromptu "baby shower", but how do we even plan for that?  Do I tell friends to be prepared at a moment's notice to buy me things?  I know any new parent-to-be feels unprepared, even after 9 months of a planned pregnancy, but this feels exponentially bigger.

I'm both so ready to be a mother with kids actually here in our home and so scared at the prospect of it at the same time.  I've always known I'm meant to be a mother, but there is so much unknown in this process too.  Will I really be good at it?  Will I finally feel satisfied?  Will it be enough for me?  Will I be enough for them?  I guess I just have to have faith and be thankful with where we are in life.  So much to look forward to.  Either way, we actually will have kids in our home soon.  With all the trying to conceive and disappointments and loss, we've actually made it here almost to the other side.  Shannon and I are still together.  We are stronger than ever, both individually and as a team.  We are blessed and lucky.

I have been reminded of our blessings lately.  Recently, a couple of people I kind of know (friends of friends, people I went to high school with) have had VERY premature babies.  Like at 24 or 25 weeks.  And I found out today that two of the babies (a boy and girl set of twins) died this week and they had a funeral for the babies today.  Through everything we've been through, I'm so thankful we haven't been through that.  It sounds like the rollercoaster of a miscarriage times 1000.  Selfishly, it makes me glad we aren't trying to get pregnant right now.  Still don't know if we'll go back down that road sometime again in the future, but I'm very glad we aren't there right now.

I am in a place right now where I can be happy for my friends who are pregnant and not be that crazy jealous lady I have been in the past.  Those twinges still show up from time to time, but it's not overwhelming like it has been.  I'm on my own path and that's okay.  Maybe babies just weren't meant to come to me through pregnancy.  And I'm feeling more and more okay with that as time passes.

Wow, this really did turn in to a rambling mess like I predicted.  Hopefully I covered all the high points.  I really needed to get it all out.  To remind myself of how far we've come and how much we have to look forward to in our future.  To remind myself, once again, to appreciate that journey along the way, wherever it might lead us...