I called my regular ob-gyn's office this week to see about birth control options. I found out through my FVL online support group that I can take progesterone-only pills-- thank goodness for that group! When I finally talked to the nurse, she said the doctor would recommend the Depo-Provera shot for me if I'm sure I don't want to try to get pregnant any time soon. I'm still not 100% decided, but I've done a lot of reading and researching this week looking up the pros and cons of the shot vs pills. I feel pretty well-informed on the subject now and am leaning toward taking the doctor's advice and getting the shot next week.
It's bizarre to think I may be planning to do something that would stop us from getting pregnant and for quite some time. The shot officially works for 3 months, but often you can't get pregnant again for many months afterward (as many as 18 months). That is both scary and comforting. If we could know that this whole adoption process was going to go smoothly and successfully for us, then we probably wouldn't even want to really try again for a few years, if ever. But after the past 3 years of trying so hard to get pregnant, it's crazy to think we'd be doing the exact opposite now.
My period is due on Monday, so chances are I'll be calling them to set up a time for the shot next week. This month could have been our last shot at trying to to get pregnant for awhile. We were definitely not trying, but weren't 100% careful all month either. I ovulated way early and had tons of EWCM. It was like my body was taunting me, daring me to ttc this month. But my heart could not get on board. I figure if by some random chance, we are did get pregnant this month, it would be meant to be and we would rejoice in it, but it's still very scary and not really the road I would willingly choose at this point in our lives. Weird to think that I don't even have a pregnancy test in the house. After all the tests, all the months, I'm putting that aside now.
I went to a play therapy workshop for work on Friday about adoption. Yet another sign from the universe that this month's presentation just happened to be on adoption :) I wasn't sure what to expect from the talk, but it turned out to be way more personal than I was prepared for. I had expected to hear about the warning signs of what behaviors to look for in children who have been adopted, but she focused much more on working the the family, the parents in particular.
Several things she said have stuck with me. She talked about how in this country now we are so insistent to say that families created from adoption and biological families are "the same". But really they're not, inherently they are not. That's not to say that one is better or worse, but they are different and those differences need to acknowledged.
The biggest thing that I keep thinking of is she discussed the six losses you experience in infertility. They are the loss of:
1) control [especially when enduring physically invasive and demanding testing and treatment]
2) genetic legacy [the dream of passing on your traits and characteristics]
3) being able to create a jointly conceived child with your partner
4&5) the physical and emotional journey of pregnancy and childbirth
6) the opportunity to parent a child
Adoption only fixes the 6th loss and you still must grieve for all these other losses. I had never thought of it like that and it struck me in such a personal way. When she was describing these losses, I felt tears come to my eyes and for a moment I thought I might not be able to make it through this. A couple of months ago, I would not have been able to sit through that. My instinct told me to look for the door, the escape from this pain, but I chose to stay and learn. I've thought about how I have definitely experienced all these losses and examples of each one in my life sprung to mind. She talked about feeling left out with other mothers when they tell stories of their pregnancy and birth-- that's something an adoptive mother can never experience. Something I may never experience. And I feel that every day.
We are signed up to begin our foster/adopt classes at the end of the month. We are still very much looking forward to this. I've been working on our application and officially asked our some of our close friends and family members to be character references for us. It was wonderful-- each and every one of them was so completely supportive and encouraging. And that means more to me than I can express.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
A Little Sad
I went to a wedding tonight. Shannon had to work, so I went alone. I had friends there, but it's not the same as having your husband there, you know? I missed him terribly while I was there.
This was my first wedding to go to in a while where I wasn't pregnant or freshly grieving a pregnancy loss. That felt good to be able to drink and just let go and have fun. But at the same time, it also made me a little bit sad. Sad for all I've been through. Sad I still have nothing to show for all our pregnancies, no sweet little one to hold. I try to stay focused on a positive future ahead, but sometimes I'm still just a little sad about the past...
This was my first wedding to go to in a while where I wasn't pregnant or freshly grieving a pregnancy loss. That felt good to be able to drink and just let go and have fun. But at the same time, it also made me a little bit sad. Sad for all I've been through. Sad I still have nothing to show for all our pregnancies, no sweet little one to hold. I try to stay focused on a positive future ahead, but sometimes I'm still just a little sad about the past...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Disappointment
I've been a bad blogger, I know. I've thought about writing so many times in the past couple of weeks, but life has just gotten in the way, you know?
I went back to the fertility doctor last week. To say that was a disappointment would be a huge understatement. Just walking in the door, I wondered if this was the right thing to do. Just the smell of the place hit me and tears sprung to my eyes. Last time I was here I was still pregnant, just saw my lifeless baby on the ultrasound screen. I'm so not ready to do this all over again.
Then it gets even worse. I go to check in and the receptionist looks puzzled and says do I have an appointment? Apparently when they called back the previous week to change the appointment time, it never got entered in the books and I was not down for anything at all. So she goes to look me up in the database. Finally says, oh you were supposed to be here on April 23rd. I stare at her in disbelief. I tell her I was there on April 23rd, found out we'd lost the baby that day. Hello! So she scrambles around in the back for awhile leaving me standing there wondering what I should do. I'm really fighting back tears now, willing myself not to break down here in the waiting room. Should I just run out the door and never look back?
She comes back and says one of the nurses will meet with me and starts to take my co-pay for the appointment. I told her if they were trying to squeeze me in with the doctor not to bother because I didn't want to be rushed for time with her. I was there to finally get answers and was not going to stand for being brushed aside again. She said no, I'd just meet with a nurse and decided not to make me pay (which I can say was the only redeeming thing about the entire experience).
Finally the nurse calls me back to a room-- one of the ultrasound rooms no less, thankfully not the one where I last saw my baby. She basically asks me why am I there. Gives me my thyroid level results, says the doctor was happy with the level and we can start trying again now. I'd asked for specific thyroid tests other than just TSH, but of course they hadn't run those and had no idea why I would want that sort of thing. I asked her what they would do differently in my next pregnancy, should we decide to go that route. She said they would not do anything different the next time around. Would still wait to start blood thinners until a heartbeat, even though some evidence points to starting at a + pregnancy test or even before. I tried to ask the difference between Heparin and Lovenox and why they decided to put me on Heparin last time. She said they are the same medication, which I know for a fact is completely untrue. She basically just said next time I get my period to call and they would prescribe Clomid for me. I asked why would they do that when it's clear I don't have a problem getting pregnant on my own. She tried to insist that I got pregnant on Clomid last time, which I clearly did not. Either way, it just felt like she was trying to push another unneccessary medication on me and not at all willing to do what I thought would be best. She said then just call us when I get a + pregnancy test and "leave the rest to us". Gee, that was the same advice I got from the doc last time and hmm... how well had that turned out??
Then she said I should go talk to their therapist. True, I was clearly upset and near tears, but I'm not about to go to this therapist who they clearly have a deal with if they refer patients there. We already fell for that when they sent us to their pharmacy to fill my Heparin prescription, claiming other places wouldn't measure it correctly. By this time I was really fed up and ready to leave, but of course people-pleaser in me is still trying to be nice to this woman. I got her to go over my chart with me to show me what all I had tested positive for, pointing out that no one had ever explained all of this to me other than to say in passing that I was hypothyroid (which turns out is not a diagnosis at all) and had Factor V Leiden. No one explained what that means for me now or in the future. Before I left, since I actually had a so-called medical professional in front of me, I decided to ask what were my birth control options from now on. Even sitting there, I had decided I was not ready to try again any time soon and wanted to move forward, focusing on adoption. Stupid me to think she might have an answer to that. She kept coming up with birth control options and I had to explain to her why that wouldn't work for me. Can't take birth control pills because of increased risk of blood clots. Can't do IUD because of my ectopic history. In the end, she basically said she didn't know, would ask the doctor and e-mail me about it. Big surprise that I never heard back, right?
All in all, a huge disappointment and waste of time. It just felt like the final sign I needed that that was not the right place for me. I am not at all ready now to go down the "trying to conceive" road right now. Don't know if I'll ever be there again. But I know I'm not there now and that's okay.
That evening I came home and told Shannon about the whole awful experience and he said he was relieved. He'd never really liked that place and never trusted them, felt like they pulled a bait-and-switch on us, promising us all this individual attention that we never got after the initial appointment. He said he'd tried to stay supportive for me, but he's glad we'll never be back there again. So I guess there's another good thing of all of this: Shannon and I can talk openly and honestly about the whole thing and be there to encourage one another when the road gets tough. And boy, has it been tough...
I went back to the fertility doctor last week. To say that was a disappointment would be a huge understatement. Just walking in the door, I wondered if this was the right thing to do. Just the smell of the place hit me and tears sprung to my eyes. Last time I was here I was still pregnant, just saw my lifeless baby on the ultrasound screen. I'm so not ready to do this all over again.
Then it gets even worse. I go to check in and the receptionist looks puzzled and says do I have an appointment? Apparently when they called back the previous week to change the appointment time, it never got entered in the books and I was not down for anything at all. So she goes to look me up in the database. Finally says, oh you were supposed to be here on April 23rd. I stare at her in disbelief. I tell her I was there on April 23rd, found out we'd lost the baby that day. Hello! So she scrambles around in the back for awhile leaving me standing there wondering what I should do. I'm really fighting back tears now, willing myself not to break down here in the waiting room. Should I just run out the door and never look back?
She comes back and says one of the nurses will meet with me and starts to take my co-pay for the appointment. I told her if they were trying to squeeze me in with the doctor not to bother because I didn't want to be rushed for time with her. I was there to finally get answers and was not going to stand for being brushed aside again. She said no, I'd just meet with a nurse and decided not to make me pay (which I can say was the only redeeming thing about the entire experience).
Finally the nurse calls me back to a room-- one of the ultrasound rooms no less, thankfully not the one where I last saw my baby. She basically asks me why am I there. Gives me my thyroid level results, says the doctor was happy with the level and we can start trying again now. I'd asked for specific thyroid tests other than just TSH, but of course they hadn't run those and had no idea why I would want that sort of thing. I asked her what they would do differently in my next pregnancy, should we decide to go that route. She said they would not do anything different the next time around. Would still wait to start blood thinners until a heartbeat, even though some evidence points to starting at a + pregnancy test or even before. I tried to ask the difference between Heparin and Lovenox and why they decided to put me on Heparin last time. She said they are the same medication, which I know for a fact is completely untrue. She basically just said next time I get my period to call and they would prescribe Clomid for me. I asked why would they do that when it's clear I don't have a problem getting pregnant on my own. She tried to insist that I got pregnant on Clomid last time, which I clearly did not. Either way, it just felt like she was trying to push another unneccessary medication on me and not at all willing to do what I thought would be best. She said then just call us when I get a + pregnancy test and "leave the rest to us". Gee, that was the same advice I got from the doc last time and hmm... how well had that turned out??
Then she said I should go talk to their therapist. True, I was clearly upset and near tears, but I'm not about to go to this therapist who they clearly have a deal with if they refer patients there. We already fell for that when they sent us to their pharmacy to fill my Heparin prescription, claiming other places wouldn't measure it correctly. By this time I was really fed up and ready to leave, but of course people-pleaser in me is still trying to be nice to this woman. I got her to go over my chart with me to show me what all I had tested positive for, pointing out that no one had ever explained all of this to me other than to say in passing that I was hypothyroid (which turns out is not a diagnosis at all) and had Factor V Leiden. No one explained what that means for me now or in the future. Before I left, since I actually had a so-called medical professional in front of me, I decided to ask what were my birth control options from now on. Even sitting there, I had decided I was not ready to try again any time soon and wanted to move forward, focusing on adoption. Stupid me to think she might have an answer to that. She kept coming up with birth control options and I had to explain to her why that wouldn't work for me. Can't take birth control pills because of increased risk of blood clots. Can't do IUD because of my ectopic history. In the end, she basically said she didn't know, would ask the doctor and e-mail me about it. Big surprise that I never heard back, right?
All in all, a huge disappointment and waste of time. It just felt like the final sign I needed that that was not the right place for me. I am not at all ready now to go down the "trying to conceive" road right now. Don't know if I'll ever be there again. But I know I'm not there now and that's okay.
That evening I came home and told Shannon about the whole awful experience and he said he was relieved. He'd never really liked that place and never trusted them, felt like they pulled a bait-and-switch on us, promising us all this individual attention that we never got after the initial appointment. He said he'd tried to stay supportive for me, but he's glad we'll never be back there again. So I guess there's another good thing of all of this: Shannon and I can talk openly and honestly about the whole thing and be there to encourage one another when the road gets tough. And boy, has it been tough...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Messages
Okay universe, we hear you. So much recently has been telling us to pursue our idea of adoption. I talked with my stepsister who worked for CPS for over 10 years and she recommended a certain agency named Pathways. Then I went to a bachelorette party over the weekend and someone I met there is going through the foster/adopt process at Pathways. My previous post was about being on a new "path". So we signed up to go to an information meeting at Pathways last night. On our drive there, we heard a commercial not once, but twice talking about for this Father's Day, give a child the chance for a forever family through adoption. Then tonight, I was watching Jeopardy and one of the categories was "Adoption". Okay, okay, we get the message!
I know you can say we're just more open to noticing these signs, that they were there all along, we're just more aware of them now. It's like seeing pregnant women all around you after you've had a pregnancy loss. But for once, these are good, positive signs pointing us in an amazing new direction.
We ended up being the only people attending the informational meeting last night, so we were able to really talk to the woman and ask lots of questions. And it looks like we will actually pursue this. Shannon and I both agree this feels right for us. So now we have to start filling out our application, start collecting the many pieces of information they need from us and sign up for the many hours of classes we'll be required to take.
This feels good and right. It almost feels like so much of my life has just prepared me for this experience. All my years of working at the children's shelter, all my grad school, all my counseling experience, all my losses have led us here. And we are ready to move forward and grow our little family.
I'm not completely putting aside the idea of biological children for now. I also made an appointment at the fertility doctor for next week to follow-up about our most recent miscarriage and find out what the doctor's proposed plans for our future would be. But honestly, I'm stilll more excited about the idea of adoption right now than the idea of being pregnant again. Frankly, the idea of being pregnant is still a little too scary for me. The idea of doing those shots and whatever else I might have to do and still having the chance for another loss. I'm just now finally starting to feel back to "normal" now. Not just crazy grieving lady anymore. Not sure I want to open myself up to going back there anytime soon. Maybe we were just meant to adopt first before before having a successful pregnancy. And maybe, just maybe, we just weren't meant to be able to have biological children. And maybe that would be okay.
I know you can say we're just more open to noticing these signs, that they were there all along, we're just more aware of them now. It's like seeing pregnant women all around you after you've had a pregnancy loss. But for once, these are good, positive signs pointing us in an amazing new direction.
We ended up being the only people attending the informational meeting last night, so we were able to really talk to the woman and ask lots of questions. And it looks like we will actually pursue this. Shannon and I both agree this feels right for us. So now we have to start filling out our application, start collecting the many pieces of information they need from us and sign up for the many hours of classes we'll be required to take.
This feels good and right. It almost feels like so much of my life has just prepared me for this experience. All my years of working at the children's shelter, all my grad school, all my counseling experience, all my losses have led us here. And we are ready to move forward and grow our little family.
I'm not completely putting aside the idea of biological children for now. I also made an appointment at the fertility doctor for next week to follow-up about our most recent miscarriage and find out what the doctor's proposed plans for our future would be. But honestly, I'm stilll more excited about the idea of adoption right now than the idea of being pregnant again. Frankly, the idea of being pregnant is still a little too scary for me. The idea of doing those shots and whatever else I might have to do and still having the chance for another loss. I'm just now finally starting to feel back to "normal" now. Not just crazy grieving lady anymore. Not sure I want to open myself up to going back there anytime soon. Maybe we were just meant to adopt first before before having a successful pregnancy. And maybe, just maybe, we just weren't meant to be able to have biological children. And maybe that would be okay.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
A New Path
We are starting to explore the idea of adoption more and more. We met with a couple last night who have adopted both internationally and domestically. She runs a local adoption ministry, helping to link people up with various resources. It was just good to hear her story and her advice, good to not feel so alone in this. It can all feel so overwhelming-- there are so many options and ways to pursue. I just wish I could fast-forward time to know how it all works for us and have the answers be more clear. But I am beginning to feel a peace with the idea of a new journey beginning. I'm not ready to give up the idea of biological children altogether yet, but this is the first time that I've started to feel okay with the idea of maybe not pursuing that anymore. Maybe this adoption path is the way we are meant to go after all...
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tired
Just got back from the ER. They did an ultrasound of my leg and didn't see anything, so they sent me home. I'm glad not to have a blood clot or anything, but feel kind of silly now for worrying so much. The warm sensation is still there-- who knows what that is? It just feels like one thing after another. Maybe I just make things worse. Had to pay $200 just for my ER copay. Can't wait to get the rest of that bill... Tired of all these issues, tired of not having enough money anymore, tired of it all tonight. Glad I have a three-day weekend now. I can really use it now.
new worries
Kinda trying not to freak out right now. All week I've had an area on my leg that felt warm. I don't know how to describe it any other way. Not warm to the touch, just a warm sensation, like it feels to me that the area is sunburned but it's not at all. I've noticed pretty often and just told myself to dismiss it, that I'm just being a worrier. Now it feels more warm and noticable. And now it's swollen a bit too. All classic blood clot signs. I've been trying not to be overly cautious, but now I can't ignore it. I called my regualr dr's office and they just returned my call, advising me to go to the ER. Great. The fun never ends...
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