Blah today

Feeling blah today. I went to to a playgroup this morning and just didn't feel connected to anyone. I felt like my quietest, most introverted self. I didn't speak up to join in conversations, just mostly sat and somewhat listened.

I know what bothered me the most was their inevitable topics of conversation: breastfeeding, giving birth and trying to get pregnant again. None of which I have anything to share about. I know it's nothing against me, but I still felt hurt. I know it's really my issue to deal with. And usually, it's not a big deal. But today... Even when a couple of them mentioned miscarriages, I had nothing. I actually almost started crying at one point.

I think it's the option of ttc that is bringing these feelings back up again. Now that I'm off birth control, it's harder. And I'm sure the added hormones I hadn't had to deal with don't help either. I had my first period since stopping the shot recently, so now I guess my body is getting back to normal. Normal. Whatever that means.

I really don't want to be pregnant. But I'm still jealous of those who have it so easy. And even I know it's not really so easy for them, it just feels like it to me. Recently, it has seemed like everyone I see is pregnant. And it hurts all over again. At the grocery store, at preschool, at playgroup. And yes, I know I'm in places where you would expect to see pregnant women. Of course, other families with children Payton's age are adding to their family. I just hadn't had these feelings of jealousy for a while and I'd hoped they were gone for good...

I love Payton and wouldn't change her for the world. Just a blah day so far. Hopefully girls night with a good friend who doesn't have kids is just what I need.

Another good day

Another good day today. I have the same good, balanced feeling again tonight. I was able to really connect with one of my clients today after she'd been struggling for weeks and adjusting to a big transition. The session just flowed and I didn't have to feel like I was trying to make it work; it just worked. I won't lie. Not all of these past two days have been sunshine and roses. I've still had clients run away from me, roll their eyes when I walk in or tell me "You know, I've had a lot of therapists and it's all been a waste of time. You'll be no different." But, at the end of the day, I still feel good about my job and the choices I made.

The best part of the day was getting to spend time with my family this evening once I got home. Especially Payton. A lot of times when I get home late, she's already asleep or in full meltdown mode. But tonight I had such a pleasant time with her. I felt like we really connected and it was good. It's amazing we can have actual conversations now. I was able to be my old, patient self and really just sit and give her my entire attention. I honestly didn't even want to put her to bed. We were having such a nice time together. Even in the middle of it, I was thinking how happy I was to be experiencing this and that this is what I'd imagined when I wanted to have kids, what I'd longed for.

I can't say what exactly was different these past two days. I have been trying to exercise more, so that could be having a positive effect. Whatever it is, I am grateful for the experience. I hope I can hold on to this feeling and have it continue to shine through me.