Beginning to see the light

Things are finally starting to calm down. We have been in crisis mode for the past couple of months and it was wearing on us terribly. I was super irritable all the time, Payton's default mode was meltdown. But this week, we are finally seeing some improvements. Not quite back to normal yet, but it gives me hope for the future.

Shannon has finally been released from his surgeon and is back to completely normal duties at work and home. You could absolutely see the change in Payton the day we heard this news. He went to pick her up out of her car seat after not being allowed to lift her for more than a month and the look on her face was priceless. That has helped immensely. Now they can do their usual rough and tumble play that she craves so much with him. And he can really feel safe alone with her again (there were several times in her acting out lately that she would purposely hit him in the stomach where she knew his incisions were just because she knew this would get him the most.) So that has helped her calm down a great deal.

Also, my mom is back home on her own now. Payton and I stayed with her for the first week and that was rough behavior for Payton. I'm sure it sounded like fun to her at first, but that's when her rages really started to increase. Then we went home and a friend stayed with my mom for a week. Now my mom feels safe at home by herself. We go over often to help her with many things since she is still in a wheelchair most of the time, but she got the cast off and is finally able to put weight on that leg, a lifechanger for sure. I've even felt safe leaving Payton over there alone with my mom for an hour or two at a time this week and that has made a huge difference. They have such a special bond and I know they were so missing their quality time together.

It's almost like we can finally breathe easier again. Payton is giving up her hunger strike and finally eating relatively normal meals again. She is not fighting us at every little transition or time when she does not have complete control. Sure, we still have our moments, especially when she is especially hungry or sleepy. I can handle those normal, every once in a while tantrums. It was the screaming and hurting every single morning and every single night that was completely wearing me out.

I understand completely why she had this reaction and was acting out like this. All three of her most important people in life were broken. Nana shattered her ankle and was placed in a facility, Daddy had surgery and Mommy was a stressed out, exhausted mess. That must have been really scary for her. And I think it triggered some adoption issues for her too. Not that she ever said anything adoption related, but it seemed like some definitely abandonment and control issues. After all her meltdowns, we always reminded her that we love her no matter what and we will be her parents forever, no matter what. I just wanted her to feel safe and loved.

After my endometrial biopsy last month, they told me they got cells from the cervix/lower part of my uterus and this was the wrong area. So we had to redo it. I went this week and knew it would be even more unpleasant this time around. My doctor told me she was going to be more aggressive to make sure she got the correct cells so we didn't have to perform a more invasive procedure in the future. I thought I was prepared, but man, that was the most painful thing I've ever had done awake. I'm usually a very good, compliant patient. I can sit and stare at a nice dot on the ceiling to dissociate through dental work or pap smears just great. I never complain. But this time, I was definitely vocal. I was already tender from having ovulation pain that morning and when she hit that spot, I almost came up off the table. I told her she had to stop and I couldn't handle it. She let me breathe for a second before starting again to make sure she got enough tissue for the biopsy. Wow, it hurt like nothing I can describe. But we definitely got the right cells and they already called me with the results. Negative. Everything looks great in my uterus now and we are free to start trying to get pregnant on our own again.

I haven't had this conversation with Shannon yet. With all the stress we've had lately, it was definitely not the right time to be trying. But as things are calming down again, it feels like this is our chance. There is clearly no guarantee that we will be successful. My history does not predict a positive outcome. But things have changed significantly for my health and body in the past year. That awful tube that was leaking toxic fluids into my uterus is finally gone. My abnormal cells of my uterus are cleared up now. My thyroid level is finally under control and I even lowered my thyroid antibodies significantly. I've learned how to eat healthy for my body and help myself feel strong, both physically and mentally. It feels like now or never. I'm not getting any younger. I feel like I need to give it one more try, the best shot I can. Then I will be able to accept the outcome, whatever it may be.

Whatever happens in the future, I'm thankful to finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

The struggle is real.

I'm really struggling right now. Both physically and emotionally, I'm a mess today. Prior to my mom's fall, I had made several positive changes in my life. I had completely changed my eating habits, lost a significant amount of weight and was generally feeling better than I had in a long time. I was exercising almost daily, feeling strong and healthy and (dare I say) skinny for the first time in years. That all disappeared once my life was turned upside down and I went straight into crisis mode for the past six weeks. I tried working out a few times and ate a few good meals, but generally I ate fast food more days than not and I was back to drinking Cokes every day again. My sugar addiction came back full force and I fed it ravenously. Even if I had a healthy breakfast, I still often followed it up with a candy bar and Coke. It was not good. As a result, I was feeling worse than ever. It was one thing when I used to eat like this and not know the difference. But after changing my habits and becoming more aware, I really felt the negativity I was feeding my body. I gained a few pounds, not the worst thing in the world. But I was exhausted, not sleeping well and achy all over. I have discovered that sugar/grains equals pain in several specific areas of my body, especially my back, neck and arm. I knew I was hurting myself, but it felt so hard to stop. Absurd.

It is clear in my life that I need to make some positive changes if we're going to survive this crisis. I've been irritable and losing my cool way too quickly again lately. I used to pride myself on being patient and calm in almost any situation, but it's like I've lost these traits completely. What worst, I see this as evident most is in Payton. I love my daughter unconditionally, but she really knows how to push my buttons. And those buttons are easily triggered lately. Last week was her Spring Break, so we had a lot of extra time together, which typically ends badly for us. She gets super clingy with me. I feel a need for more space. She gets even more needy and clingy. And the vicious cycle continues.

We've had some awful moments together lately. Lots of screaming and both losing our cool. She is super smart and can be manipulative as a result, so she knows just how to get to me. I tell myself, "This time, I'll be the parent I know I should be and stay calm no matter what." Sometimes I can. But more often lately, I just can't. And I hate the mommy I become. I feel so super guilty because I wanted to be a mother more than anything and now I am nothing like the mother I imagined myself to be. It's a truly terrible feeling.

We had a bad morning today. I drove her to school with her screaming and crying. I was in tears as I walked out of her classroom. Of course, this would be the day the teacher decides to talk to me about her recent behavior there. She's been getting in trouble, nothing major at this point, but basically pestering her classmates and not listening. Gee, sounds familiar. So now our family crisis is spilling over into her school life. Great... I was bawling as I walked to my car after that.

So I know I need to make changes. I began exercising again yesterday since I know this helps me, even when it is hard. I started eating right again yesterday. The first few days of detoxing from all the sugar, caffeine, etc are always hard. Yesterday was not too bad, but I feel awful today. I slept restlessly, waking often in pain. I have a blinding headache. I feel vaguely nauseous all the time. I know I just have to make it past these rough days and I will start to feel the benefits, but man, I am struggling.

I'm thinking of going to see a therapist. It's ironic that as a counselor myself, I have never been to counseling personally. I really think this could help me. Every friend I talk to, I feel like I dump all my problems on. Shannon is just not the best for me to go to. I always want him to just empathize and hug me, but he tries to problem solve and I usually end up feeling worse. Finding the right therapist for me may be a bit challenging as I know I want someone good, but obviously can't go to someone I already know and I am friends with many local therapists.

On top of everything, I had my endometrial biopsy at the fertility doctor last week. I did my four months of progesterone treatment designed to fix my abnormal lining of my uterus, so it was time to check how things look in there, no matter whether I feel ready to proceed or not. I should find out the results some time this week. I'm not even sure what I hope for. I'm clearly not in a good place in my life to be trying to get pregnant right now. My fertility doctor said if the results were bad she would refer me to someone else to treat the issue further. Not really sure what that would mean. Honestly, my first thought when I heard that was screw it all and let's just get a hysterectomy and be done with it all. I mean, with all the losses I've had and everything stacked against a healthy pregnancy, is it really worth putting us through MORE to just prolong the inevitable? When do we finally give up and accept that this just isn't in the cards for us? I guess we'll just wait and see what the results are...

Taking care

I've planned many positive, hopeful blogs in my head over the past few months, but never got any of them written down. Then my life was turned upside down and all those shiny, happy thoughts went out the window.

One month ago, my mom fell at home in the middle of the night and severely broke her ankle and leg. She calmly called me at 3 in the morning and by some miracle I saw (not even heard) my phone ringing and answered it, not realizing the magnitude of the situation. She stayed cool and collected while I, who am usually so good in crisis situations, couldn't seem to think clearly enough. The fracture was so bad that the ER staff all came in to gawk in amazement, but somehow my mom stayed strong through it all. She had surgery later that day and was eventually moved to a rehab facility a couple of days later. It wasn't until later in the week that the reality of the situation really hit me.

It is so scary to see my mom getting older, needing so much help in so many ways now. She cannot put any weight on that leg for at least two months, so it is not safe for her to be left alone for any length of time. She's still in the rehab facility a month later with no idea when she will be ready to leave. They're trying to help her strengthen her arms and other leg, but it's a slow process that feels very overwhelming at times. I just want her to live happily and safely and independently for as long as she can and it's getting harder to imagine how we can do that right now.

Another major reality is that my mom was our primary caregiver for Payton. She picked her up from preschool most days and kept her pretty much anytime I needed her to. She was our date night babysitter, our oh-my-goodness-I-need-a-break-from-parenting savior. She and Payton have such a close bond and I know it's hard for them to be separated so much. I take her to visit Nana as much as I can, but I know it's not the same as their usual one-on-one time.

And the big kicker is that my husband had surgery today too. He's been suffering from severe acid reflux for years and we'd already scheduled this surgery before my mom's accident. I'd always just assumed my mom would be there to help out during this time, but that's clearly not the case. Shannon's surgery went smoothly today, but he's spending the night in the hospital and will be recovering at home for quite a while.

I feel like I've spent the entire last month in a cloud of confusion and sleepiness. My overwhelming emotions these days are guilt and exhaustion. I feel guilty that I'm not visiting my mom more and doing more for her because I know what a difference it makes when I am able to visit and help out more. I feel guilty that Payton has to go to extended care at preschool most days now and that she is not getting the best version of me even when I am with her. I feel even more guilty that I work late many evenings and Shannon is home alone with Payton, who is acting out more and more with all the chaos in our lives lately. I feel guilty that I'm not at all fully invested with my clients when I am at work and feel like I'm only half-present and rarely fully engaged in sessions lately. I feel guilty that I've had to ask friends and family for all kinds of help and favors that I cannot even begin to repay right now. I feel like there is not enough of me to go around. I feel tired. Tired of having to take care of everyone else, but not ever having enough time for me these days. I did not imagine myself in this season of life so soon and the reality of the situation is starting to hit hard.

Post-op

It's been almost three weeks since my surgery. The actual procedure went smoothly, no complications. When my doctor came to speak with me right before the actual surgery, she asked what I would want her to do if when she got in there, she found my right tube to be damaged as well. Did we want her to take that one too? I honestly had never even considered this, but reluctantly said yes, knowing full well it would completely alter our fertility plans for the future. Thankfully, that right tube ended up looking fine and the left tube is gone forever. Thank goodness.

The recovery has been okay. Just in the past couple of days, I have started feeling like myself again. One of my incisions is pretty much healed, the other two not so much yet. I surprisingly got my period this week and that was excruciatingly painful since I'm still healing. I knew I was getting ready to ovulate right before surgery, but really thought having the procedure would have told my body to put that on hold for now. Since I was all drugged up and in pain anyway, I clearly never felt the actual ovulation pain right after the surgery. But I must have because exactly two weeks later, there was my period. Silly body trying to act all "normal" despite so much trouble.

I had my follow-up appointment with my doctor this week. They had sent home some pictures from my surgery that my husband and mother had tried their best to explain to me based on what they had been told after the procedure. But my doctor carefully went through it all with me and gave me even more pictures and a copy of the operative and pathology reports too. She removed a little bit of endometriosis, but that didn't really seem to be an issue. She did find and remove two fibroids in my uterus. Not all that surprising either. But she did say when they sent these fibroids for testing, it showed abnormal thickening of the lining of my uterus. Not cancer, less that 1% chance of becoming cancerous, but still not ideal for a pregnancy. It's called simple hyperplasia and mine is the best type to have as it's nonatypical. So yet another diagnosis. And as frustrating as it is to have yet another thing wrong with me, it is also another reason to be thankful that I chose to go back to the fertility doctor and was able to have this surgery. We never would have known about this and could have simply tried again with just the same sad result.

No wonder I've had so many failed pregnancies. So many reasons that lead to losses, it's amazing I've never really had trouble getting pregnant despite all this.

So our next course of treatment is four months of progesterone therapy. She was going to simply put me on birth control for these four months, but it's nearly impossible for me to take an effective birth control pill with my Factor V Leiden since I can't have estrogen. So she opted for the progesterone pills. Each month, after I know I've ovulated, I will take the pills for 10-14 days. This should help thin out and improve the lining of my uterus without completely throwing off my cycle. We still want me to continue ovulating and having a period in the meantime, but not to try to get pregnant at all during these four months. After the four months, my doctor will do an endometrial biopsy (thankfully an in-office procedure rather than surgery again.) And then we'll know whether we can start trying again at that point.

Part of me was sad we can't start trying again right away. I mean, I'm not getting any younger and I never imagined wanting to have my children so many years apart. But then again, it's freeing to know that at least for the next four months, we can kind of relax and just enjoy our life as it is. No worrying about possible pregnancies or losses. We can appreciate our little family the way it is and be thankful in that.

Pre-op

I'm finally having surgery tomorrow to remove my left Fallopian tube. Finally. Nearly seven years have passed since my first pregnancy, the first ectopic that began this rollercoaster. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. It's actual surgery with full anesthesia that's going to leave me in pain, recovering and unable to work or really care for my daughter for at least a week. But truly, this is a good thing. Something I've hoped for and wanted for a long time. Maybe this can finally lead to a successful pregnancy. But even if not, I will be glad to be finished with this stupid tube once and for all. Glad to not have the almost daily pain. Glad to not feel like I'm carrying around this bad part of me that is such a reminder of dark times.

New plan

This past week was the week of doctors' appointments. I met with my endocrinologist and found out my TSH has dropped back down to 2.7. Not quite as good as it was several months ago, but at least headed back in the right direction. He upped my thyroid dosage and told me to come back in two months. He asked what's happening with trying to get pregnant. I told him I was waiting to find out my TSH level and to talk to my fertility doctor before trying again. He said we didn't need to wait and to go ahead and try now. I do like this doctor, but it's frustrating when they just jump to conclusions without taking the whole big picture into account. It's not "just trying" to me anymore. Five losses later, I need to be more careful about this.

Which takes us to our fertility doctor appointment the next day. Shannon agreed to go. Thank goodness he's willing to be involved even if this is not his first choice. This appointment was to find out the results of all the millions of tests they've done over the past several months and to hear the doctor's plan for going forward. The results were nothing new or shocking to me. I have Factor V Leiden (blood clotting disorder), but now I know that I only have one copy of the gene, making it less likely that this will ever be a problem for me, pregnant or not. They were not able to get any DNA information from the slides from the babies they should have had on file at the hospital, so we weren't able to find out anything about those babies (a disappointment, for sure.) My HSG showed significant blockage in my left tube. She called it a hydrosalpinx. The one piece of new information is how much this hydrosalpinx could be affecting my fertility. Not only does it make it more likely I'll have yet another ectopic pregnancy, it could also negatively affect a properly implanted fetus by leaking toxic fluid into my uterus. Toxic fluid?? She said these can be so serious that almost no doctor would agree to doing IVF if you have a hydrosalpinx because research shows it causes such a high rate of loss. Well, that's news to me. I'm trying not to feel frustrated that we never knew this before. I've had HSG's in the past where we saw the blockage. I've complained of pain in the area for the past six years. But no one was willing to do anything about it until now.

Now she wants to take the tube out. Hallelujah! I've wanted this awful, bad tube out of my body for years. I know my OBGYN was trying to do me a favor by saving it we he did surgery the first time, but I always wished he hadn't. It's caused me nothing but pain and trouble, probably more trouble than I'd even known, it turns out. So now we wait. Wait for me to get my period in a couple of weeks to make sure I'm not pregnant when she does the surgery. I hope I'm not. At one point, I thought this might be a good month to start trying again and we weren't 100% careful, so there's always a chance, but I hope not. I really only think we can handle one more pregnancy, whatever the outcome. And I want to make our last chance our best chance possible.

I know the recovery from surgery won't be pleasant. I remember how painful and difficult it was when I had essentially the same laparoscopic procedure done to remove the ectopic years ago. And I didn't have a four-year-old who wants so much of my attention. Thankfully, my mom just lives down the road and will help a great deal with her. Maybe even my in-laws will help. I'll have to ask for and accept help and that's just the way it will have to be, even when I'd rather be tough and independent and do it the right way myself. Learning when and how to ask for help is a huge skill. I tell this to my clients all the time. Time for me to take my own advice.

The day of our fertility appointment was October 15th, National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. And yes, the irony was not lost on me.

Craziness

I feel like I'm going crazy. I was convinced in the middle of the night last night that I was pregnant. Absolutely convinced. My period was due yesterday and never came. I've been having cramping and pain, but still not period and this is always how it's been with all my pregnancies. I usually ovulate earlier than expected, but my period arrives like clockwork exactly 2 weeks after I feel ovulation pain which I know for sure was 2 Wednesdays ago. I really didn't sleep much at all in the night, waiting until what I felt was a reasonable time to finally test. I was absolutely sure it would say I was pregnant, so I was shocked when the test read "Not Pregnant". I actually had to look back at it several times to believe it.

I wasn't heartbroken. A little disappointed, but nothing big. This was just our first month semi-trying again and I never expected it to happen so quickly. I told Shannon. He said sorry and asked if I was okay. I am.

So I went on about my day. I've continued to have pain and cramping off and on, but still no period. I had a routine appointment with my endocrinologist where I found out that my TSH has jumped up to 4.7 (!) again. It was .3 two months ago and the only thing we changed was to have me only take half a pill one day a week to help lessen the hyperthyroid symptoms I had been experiencing. I am shocked and disappointed it has risen so high so quickly. So my first thought again is I must be pregnant and that's what is making it go up now. And if I'm pregnant, it's already not looking good. First of all, a negative pregnancy test would show that the HCG levels are pretty low and they should not be that low 15 days after ovulation. Secondly, my TSH is already dangerously high for a pregnancy. So I stopped at a store on the way home and bought more pregnancy tests. This time, I got the ones that say how pregnant you are, like 1-2 weeks or 3+ weeks past ovulation. I figured these would have a lower range for testing and I could trust that. Still "Not Pregnant".

What in the world is going on with my body? In the middle of the night, in my absolutely sureness that I was indeed pregnant, I went ahead a used a progesterone suppository that I had left over from my last pregnancy and does not expire until next year. I know this could have confused my body and could delay my period, but shouldn't that have cleared out by now?

Honestly, at this point, I really don't want to be pregnant after all the worrying this has already caused me today. Last night, in the middle of the night, I welcomed the idea and tried to surround myself in positive thoughts. Today, I can't see that positivity so well anymore. I'm just ready for my period to show up now so I can move on and really try again the right way when my body is more ready.